More about Movin On 

04/17/2008

I just read a comment on my last journal entry and thought I better expand on a few things. I do believe that divorce is forgiven by God in certain circumstances and those circumstances are covered by Jesus in the New Testament. In my ex wife's and my circumstance, our problems were for a counsellor's office, not divorce court. My attorney and my therapist had both made that comment. My ex wife and I joined the World Wide Marriage Encounter community in 1997. We grew very close and even became a part of the leadership. It influenced my ex wife enough, that she made the decision to become baptized as a Catholic and honored me by asking me to be her Godparent. On many occaisions she promised that there would be nothing, except if I committed adultery, that she would ever file divorce over. She knew without a doubt that my home was not behind these four walls that surrond me, but my home was in her heart and in her arms. I had enrolled in school and between work and school, I admit that the last couple of years of our marriage, communication was minimal at best. She does work in management for a local retail store and I should have been more concerned with her extended hours at work and frequent out of town trips more. I trusted her though. I will never know if what I suspect is true, it will be the biggest unanswered question of my life. I just do not get why she won't talk with me, I am not O.J.! The way she left me, was meant to cause harm, my therapist said it was her way of killing me in her life. I look at what she claims in the original papers and can't wrap my mind around what was so bad that she felt she had to cause me such harm, other than to get the point across that she wants our life together dead. For a woman that was so warm and loving towards me to turn so cold and heartless in a matter of a day still just blows my mind. I think it would be easier for me to let the past events go, if I only understood the why better. I know that God has His plan and that I will discover that plan eventually. My faith is what it is, my faith is still intact and that is most important. I think of the suffering Jesus went through hanging on that cross at the hands of His own people and I understand it a bit better. I just thank God that my suffering is not on that level. But as I said, I am a weak, humble man. I fell hopelessly in love with a woman I dedicated my life to, my whole future involved her. That future is gone, but still there. I am at an age in life that starting over is hard to do, or even consider. That first week after she left, it was hard for me to even breathe. I still get that way once in awhile. I have lost my inspiration, I do not like the feeling of just exsisting. Everyone keeps telling me that I will find someone new and all of this will be a distant memory before I know it, but I still have the question in my head, why? I loved the way my life was and where it was going. I really feel so sad for my daughters, what there mother did caused lots of emotional damage to them too. That is what hurts me the most, I would have never done to them the things that their mother has done. It makes me feel like such a failure, as a man, a husband and a father. It was my duty to not let this kind of thing happen to my family. If my ex wife would have only made an appointment with a cousellor, or even asked if we could go, I wouldn't be writing this now. It is a blessing for those that do try everything to save their marriages and if it doesn't happen, then God will certainly forgive. Even Jesus told His disciples if a town would not accept them to brush off the dust and move on to the next town. I guess I should follow His advice, as hard as it is to do that. I grant that we should not be miserable in marriage, but we should not also have to be miserable in divorce. I should be happy that I have seen the real person my ex wife has exposed to me and that I did not get to that point of being miserable in marriage, but still I just feel empty and drained. I know Jesus will fill me with new life and new meaning, I just wish it would happen a bit faster. 

To my new friend, "Aimless" thanks for your words and sharing. It helped and is helping. You are not "Aimless" your message was "Aimed" at my heart and it hit the target! You have my ear and my shoulder anytime you need it, lean on me! Peace be with you!