I ALWAYS THOUGHT WE WERE "HAPPY" 

Okay wish me a happy 26th unanniversary!

Last year on our 25th anniversary  my husband gave me a silver I-Pod.  I thought it was perfect.  I am not into the usual girly-girl type of gifts and have never been into "stuff".  However - I love music and thought it was quite clever of Ken to come up with this gift.  He chose the silver one to honor the silver anniversary. 

Because we lived on a five-acre "ranch" I had a really cool metal sign made to hang above our gate.  It was so great.  He loved it. 
We went out to a wonderful dinner and had a romantic evening.  It was about as perfect as it could have been.  He gave me a beautiful card and I was oh so very very happy.

How did I miss it?  He now claims he was unhappy for years.  I don't think that is "true" but his need to justify his actions.  I do think he was unhappy for the last few months before he left - but what do I know?

As soon as I picked up on his unhappiness I pleaded with him to go to therapy.  No desire and also complete denial on his part.  Just weeks prior to his leaving he told me how much he loved me and that he didn't want to be without me.  I know that he was just too chicken at that point to tell the truth. 

So now here I sit all alone on what should be a fun, romantic day.  He took the boys last night & will have them all day.  It is so odd to be here in "our" house and for the 1st time in 26 years I won't celebrate my anniversary.    It is so weird that we won't even see each other.  In the past three + months I have only seen him 3 times.  When I see him it is quite odd because I don't get any butterflies or "desire" at all.  He looks like such a different person.  There is just something that is hard to express.  BUT - I do know I don't want to be with him anymore.   

Did you ever see the movie "Always" with Holly Hunter and Richard Dreyfuss?  There is a line in it when she is telling him that she is leaving and he is expressing she will never love anyone else.  She yells back that she will and this time he will be TALL!  That is my joke I think when I see him - I was about 1.5" taller than my ex and so I keep saying yeah buddy and he will be tall!  : )  

I have often wondered if it would have been easier if Ken had been an upright guy and left when he was unhappy & without jumping into a relationship and bed with someone else.  There would be some respect left and I wouldn't be tormented with the thought of him being with someone else.  Seems like it would have been a much kinder way to leave a marriage.  I look forward to the day when it is just fact - not pain that he is sleeping with someone else.   

I am missing my marriage, I am missing the man he was,  I am missing my family, I am missing the life I thought we had and were going to have.  I miss the weight of his body next to mine in bed.  I miss talking to him 1st thing in the a.m.  I miss being able to call him when something happens or just for no reason at all.  But the odd thing is - I really don't miss HIM.  Does that make sense?  I miss things about being in a marriage - but I don't miss who he was when he left.  I know I don't want a life with him anymore.  I am actually excited about my life now.  I think it can be spectacular.  

So what do I do tonight?  I am actually glad this milestone is "over" - the waiting for our anniversary was sad & hard.  So - I just move forward with my plans and on to my new life.  Doesn't really sound that bad as I type this.   Kind of exhilarating.