I am a 44 year old woman who has been very conflicted for 2 years. I've been married almost 25 years and am so weary. I read old journal entries and it has always been the same.

I managed to convince myself that he had a hard job, or I irritated him or as he would remind me, I was too sensitive.
 
My husband is not a horrible person, has never hit me and i know beyond a doubt, has been faithful. He has been controlling and I believe, verballly abusive. Along with this, he is mildly bi-polar. His father was extreme in his bi-polar as is his oldest sister. 2 years ago his 3rd sister committed suicide. Found out after the fact that she was also bi-polar. Compared to his dad and sisters, he is mild.

My problem is that the love has eroded over the last 27 years. We fought terribly and I would feel so torn. I know people say that they never really loved their spouse. I don't believe this to be true. We were young and so our love was immature. I grew comfortable in the marriage, but I think having three children helped deflect any deep feelings of unrest.

My youngest is now 16 1/2 and there is now a lot of empty space to fill. I do not love him as a wife loves a husband. I love him as a person and want the best for him. I just can't imagine living another 20 plus years with him. Through out some of my journal entries and often wrote I was weary. Thats how I best describe my life with him. Wearisome! It's hard being with a person who is never quite happy.

I know for some people that my situation sounds fixable. It probably is, but the love has been destroyed. As a Christian it's even harder. He knows I take marriage very seriously but also that I've been a major people pleaser. "What would Pastor say?" What is your Biblical reason?" He's intimidating just in how he looks when he challenges me. I don't know if my reasons are good enough, but I'm dying here.

I have always been the GOOD girl and have even considered having an affair just to have a reason to leave. How twisted is that? Screw up my life, reputaion and hurt my kids along with the other mans family just to have a really good reason to leave. And I'd be the person at fault. My luck, my husband would want to work things out and I'd be back at square one.

Honestly, I'm not mentally ill, I'm just so finished but too chicken and financially ill prepared to leave. Going through this has given me compassion for people on all sides of the matter. Even my husband. He is trying, but I think it's a little too late. There is this sense that if I could just get through all the people telling me to stay I will experience a huge weight being lifted.

I know the grass isn't greener on the other side. It might be harder than anything I've ever done. I also have no guarantees that there will be someone who loves and CHERISHES me. That's a risk I have to take. But the question is, will I?

We'll see.