I have been reading a lot of posts on this site about infidelity by those who cheated and those who are being cheated on.

I have a lot to say about this topic.  Then again, I have a lot to say about a lot of things.  I’m sure I’m going to hurt some feelings again.  I’m opinionated, in case you haven’t noticed.

I was married for a long time and my ex, Mark, cheated on me.  Mark served me a mixed cocktail (he was not only a cheater; he was abusive too).  I knew he was cheating.  When you’re married, you know when your spouse is cheating on you.  You can put your head in the sand, but you know. I blamed myself for a long time.  I thought my actions led him into someone else’s arms.  I now know that I didn’t do anything wrong; no matter how bad things were, I didn’t deserve to be betrayed.  Nobody does.

I took my marriage vows seriously.  I promised to love, honor and cherish until death do us part.   Yep.  I said all those things and so did he.  Guess what that means?  That means you don’t cheat.  Some of you will say that it isn’t so black and white.  Yes, it is.  Here’s the thing:  when you get married, you give up the right to be with someone other than your spouse.  Marriage is about being monogamous (okay, some of you can argue with me here – that’s for another post).

Mark and I were on a downward spiral years before I took the plunge and walked out.  During that time we barely had any contact – verbal or physical.  So could I have easily slipped into a clandestine relationship?  Yes, of course.  I had plenty of opportunities because I was traveling for work.  I didn’t.  No matter how much I had a physical desire to be held, to be touched, and to be heard – there was something bigger that I had.  A marriage.  I was a married woman and even though my marriage was falling apart I was still married and I still had those vows to uphold and I still lived with this man who I chose to honor.

Infidelity means being disloyal.  There are a lot of people who think that infidelity equates to sleeping with another person.  It doesn’t.  You can be unfaithful to your partner by just talking.  I think all of us, at one point or another, have been right there where you decide whether you’re going to cross over that line or not.

Mark crossed that line – his relationship started with talking (he told her that I didn’t pay attention to him) and it quickly evolved into intimacy.  He was disloyal when he decided to talk to her about our problems rather than talking to me first.  He denied it of course and he tried to play Jedi-mind tricks on me – you know, trying to turn the tables around and accusing me of cheating on him.   I knew the woman he was having an affair with.  She believed that he would leave me for her.  He didn’t.  He never had the courage.  I left him and he did go running to her. Do I need to tell you what happened?

Surprise:  he cheated on her!

If you’re married and you are seeking solace in someone else’s arms, then you’re not only cheating but you’re lowering your relationship standards.  How much do you respect one another if you are both in a relationship that is based on lies?

Think about this:  how can you be happy with someone, if that happiness stems from someone else’s pain?

If you want to be with someone other than your spouse, do yourself a favor and come clean.  Own up to your feelings and either try to rekindle what was once there or move on.  Don’t make excuses for being intimate with someone other than your spouse; you gave up those rights when you said “I do”.