This is where I am...
I am 45 years old and I have been married 27 years to the first and only man I ever dated. We married very young (on my 18th birthday). He turned 20 two weeks later.
We have four children Ages 24, 23, 18 and12 and 2 grandchildren the oldest is 2 years, the youngest 6 months.
We were clueless about life when we married. My husband, at 47, still refuses to be responsable for anything, except earning money. He has always been a hard worker, but he is affraid of makeing a wrong decision, so he just won't.
He also refuses to have anything other than "fluff" conversations. He answers all questions with,"Ask the wife. She knows about that". My questions are ignored or I'm told," I don't know. You're good at that. You decide."
He has always prefered to work nights. He likes to sleep during the day. This meant he was either at work or asleep most of the time. I told him I felt like a single parent as I had to make all the desicions alone.
I began to feel more like his mother than his wife and since you don't have romantic feelings about your children, I lost interest in our sex life.
Eight years ago I discovered, instead of trying to work on our problems, he was having an internet affair. The email I found mentioned a phone call where she had called him at work.
I was hurt and angry. I cried and asked why he could talk to someone else, but not me. "I don't know." and "I'm not doing anything wrong."
After that, I also had lack of trust issues with him.
I found out about the next online affair a couple of years later. Again, I was hurt and had the same questions as before. Same answers. This time he told me I should block all of his emails and internet contact with people. I told him no. If I did that he wouldn't be responsible for his actions and I would be controling him. That is not what marrige is supposed to be.
Over the years, I would find explicit photos and emails from women. "He couldn't help that,they just sent them to him." and no, he didn't know why he didn't delete them.
Looking back, I blamed myself for his actions because I just couldn't sleep with him anymore.
He likes to frequent online game rooms and talk to women there. Last spring I was paying the bills. (I take care of finances because,"I'm not good at that, you do it.") I was going to print a receipt for an online payment when out of the printer comes a conversation he had with someone in a game room. This time, I was only upset because it could have been one of our children who found it.
Slow learner that I am, I finaly decided this was not how I wanted to live. This had been going on so long I didn't even have an emotional reaction to it anymore By the time I entered counseling, I was so depresed I was contemplating suicide.
He didn't want to hear or discuss anything I talked about with my therapist. He would only say he was affraid for me to go to counseling because he thought they would tell me that he was what was wrong with me. Bingo!
I realized we were both to blame for some of the issues we had. One thing built off another until we had nothing left. I asked him to go to couples counseling with me. His answer was,"I don't know if it would do any good."
I continued therapy and anti-depressants. A couple of months later, I asked him again to go for couseling with me. This time no answer. By now, he knew we were in real trouble. We happened to watch an episode of Montel Williams one day. (Strange because I'm usually at work when that show comes on.) The couple on that day had problems very much like our problems. I told him that they were us and asked what we could do about it. His answer was a sigh and,"Have you ever considered that I'm happy with the way things are?"
That revelation finaly did it for me. I was the only one fighting for this marriage and there is no hope in this situation.
I arranged for us to be alone one day last April. We sat down and I calmly told him we couln't be happy together and we both deserved better lives than we were having. I told him Iwas looking for an apartment for our youngest child and myself. His answer was, "I only want you to be happy. You do whatever you have to." He never even told me he didn't want me to leave.
I signed a lease on an apartment, bought new furniture (In my mind, I couldn't leave and take away his things too.) and moved out in August.
Two months later, I was at his place useing the computer to tranfer family photos to cd when I checked his emails and found one he had sent to himself in July, before I left. It was a hardcore cybersex session. Again, I realized nothing would change.
I met with him again and I told him we would not be getting back together. (I didn't tell him I found the email.) I said I wasn't interested in anyone else. I'm still not, though I've had invitations, I'm married and that wouldn't be right. I also told him I wasn't doing anything legal about us, but as of then he should consider himself released from our wedding vows. I asked him to tell me when he started seeing someone so it wouln't come as a shock if I heard it from someone else.
He has since moved the computer into his bedroom and installed a webcam. Our youngest told me she talked to a lady in London. He has also taken online classes and paid a fee to become an ordained minister?!?! I know this because the post office forwarded some of his mail by mistake. The packet said to Pastor ______ _______.
He never told anyone I left. His father asked him about it at Christmas.
I made a budget for him to see him through rest of 2007. We each opened individual checking accounts and kept our joint account so we could both contribute and use it to pay off joint debts we have. He said he doesn't want me to let him know when I make payments. He knows,"You'll do it right." We put equal amounts in this account for the bills and he puts an extra $100 twice a month as unofficial child support.
In January '08, he called and wanted me to make his budget for this year. I did.
One bill that is his resonsibility is the payment for his vehichle. We bought it three years ago and at the time we could get a better credit rating by putting it in my name only. I received a call from the finance company last week asking where the payment was. It was five days late. I couln't get him on the phone, so I made arrangments to pay it from my account. I told him he needed to get it refinanced and put in his name. I don't want him to mess up my credit! It took him 4 days to pay me back and then only because I asked for it, again. He told me the bank was closed, I told him he has an ATM card, he said it wouln't let him take out that much at one time, I told him it would. He withdrew the money and handed it to me. This is where I turned into a complete idiot. I asked if he was going to be alright until payday. "I'm overdrawn, but I'll be fine." I handed over half of what he had just repaid me back to him. I don't know why I can't get over the feeling that I have to take care of him. He makes more money than I do. He has less expenses than I do. Why can't I just let go and let him live his own life? Because he feels like one of my children. That's why! At this point, I'll not even askhim to repay that money. If he does, he does. If not, lesson learned.
Do you want to know why he can't make his bills?
We also have issues with how to raise children. He cannot stand confrontation, so they walk all over him. Case in point, Our oldest and her boyfiend/intended were evicted from their apartment last December for nonpayment of rent. (He loaned them over $400 to be able to move there in August. They never paid him back a penny.) Neither has had a job for several months. He took both of them in, not just our daughter, and now all I hear is how much all his bills are and how broke he is all the time. He tells me how he is being really firm with them and telling them they have to get jobs because he can't support them all, but they don't take him seriously. I suggested he tell the boyfriend he has to go. Being apart might be incentive to get off their butts.
Our middle daughter has created a legal situation for herself. He found out from a friend and told her he wouldn' t let her go to jail. He'd pay her fines and court costs even if he had to put them on a credit card. (She is not working either. She lives with her boyfriend.) This took place before I was told anything about it. I told him it wasn't right for him to pay for what she did. If there is no part of this that is difficult for her she won't learn anything except daddy will get her out of trouble. I think she should get a job and earn money to pay her own debt or at least make an effort. So, I told him not to put it on a credit card because I don't want to help him pay it. (I saved my last bonus for this if needed, but I would be willing to let her go to jail for a day or two before I bailed her out because she's not even trying to help herself.)
Our youngest daughter wants to be there all she can. Of course she does! No chores and big sister to hang out with. When she wants to have friends over, she wants to be here. She loves the apartment. It is clean and smoke free. She told me she has friends who don't want to go to Daddy's because it smells like smoke.
I am starting to look into the requirements for a divorce. In our state, you have to be living apart for a year if you have a minor child. Do you have to be legally seperated for a year or just living apart? Bless your heart, if anyone has made it this far to read the question...lol