So, I am, as promised, trying to work on our relationship. And I'm working on tons of written exercises and reading assigned by my counselor, etc. But I'm at a loss at this point. I've done the work on myself. I know and have examined very thoroughly the list of negative and destructive behaviors I have had to help result in the failure of our marriage. I have pinpointed my reactions to his. I've consciously made the decision and effort to make positive reinforcing changes in my life. I am trying to make myself healthy physically, emotionally, and mentally. It is difficult for me but the changes already feel empowering. So I am using that momentum to continue.
Until yesterday. I am given this list of things that will start helping our relationship rebuild, if at all possible. And am told that through my actions and behaviors it will result in my partner mirroring those actions and behaviors in his own life. Now, maybe I should give this time before I go opening my big fat mouth....but shoot...that wouldn't make Jess Jess now would it?!
Remembering the list of goals is difficult enough. I shorten each one to a summary word and store them in my all-powerful cell phone. However, I have a list of values to abide by, a list of "jobs" to do, have to go through this "need" list, and it goes on from there. The list of "values"...well, most of them at least...make sense. They are things like: be your partner's friend, accept them for who they are, break down your person wall (what?! no, not my magical wall!!!)....all of these things which lead to you CONSTANTLY needing to take stock in what you are saying, doing, and how you are reacting to EVERYTHING in which we go through. As if I don't have enough to do or on my mind. The list of "jobs" while very similar to some of the values provided previously they are put in place to open up the lines of communication again in a healthy manner, describe some of the work I have been doing on myself and discoveries I have made, and together discussing resolutions to some of the profiles and questions I have previously worked on. OK, All of this comes later but until then I have this "need" list pending. It's filled with all sorts of needs you would want or expect to see from a fulfilling relationship and what you think your partner wants and expects.
This is where my naturally inquisitive mind starts wondering. How am I supposed to properly come to terms with my needs right now? My gut wants to say, "my need right now is to be left alone!" Well, how is that going to help ANYTHING?! My therapist says perhaps I am trying to destruct the potential progress before it even begins. OK, maybe he is right. As much as you can put your bitterness and negative notions aside can I honestly say that I even care about his "wants" or "needs" right now?! No. Because if I did to begin with we probably wouldn't be this miserable. Is it too crazy to think that some of this stuff should come more naturally? Is it too "off-the-wall" to believe that once you start being more positive and fulfilling your own life it should naturally want to share that with your partner? Isn't it natural for you to want the same for them? But what if it isn't? What if all this feels SO unnatural that it feels forced. Feels like homework and feels distracting from other personal goals you could be striving for. And I don't want to sound completely insensitive here. It's not like I haven't been unable to provide the time or commitment to making this work. But maybe...just MAYBE...in my heart of hearts...I don't want to be with him anymore. MAYBE I just feel like I have grown beyond this relationship. And I do want him to be happy. I do want him to succeed and find peace within his life and be more fulfilled. I really do.
The reason I question all of this is just replaying the events of last night over and over in my mind. Conversation was a bit easier. Nothing serious. Nothing "deep". More laughter....that's always been easy for us. After spending some time on the phone with my brother and mom, I join him for dinner that he made. I made sure to verbalize my appreciation for him cleaning the kitchen and making dinner. We eat and watch the basketball game. We all played Wii bowling together. Then he spent some time with our son before I got him to take a bath and do his homework. And, that was pretty much it. He played only ONE online poker tournament while I worked on supervising homework. He won. He was in a good mood. And we were both exhausted. So it was easy to slip into another evening of not being physical. Not that I don't want to be.....with someone. Not that I don't crave it or think about it....and it driving me crazy at this point. But still....still I can not bring myself to have all these positive things from the night bring me to even think or want to be with him in that manner. Not even to HUG. It's sad. It really really is. It really hurts when I start to verbalize these things. I don't WANT to feel this way about him and our future.
So, that's where I'm at. Jumping the gun, yes...more than likely. But I just don't know if I want to continue with this therapy and the relationship exercises. Is it really too unconventional to think that just making the conscious effort to work on your relationship should help bring change? That it should feel more loving and in a caring manner? So why doesn't it? There are times where I feel so emotionally defunct from the relationship....meanwhile I spend every moment when I am not with him obsessed over the counseling I have been getting, mental exercises and efforts to stay balanced and focused and positive. All of the things I feel am doing for myself feel more natural then what is expected out of me with my marriage. And it feels just AWFUL to feel this. I'd rather be crushed by my own personal wall then feel like I am this.