The older I get, the less I understand people.  I thought because I was older I knew SO much, not...  I am so nieve!  I thought I was past the growing pains stages of life, that we all went through during our teens,20's & 30's.  Dating, career, raising the kids, making a home, surviving a head on motorcycle accident with a SUV.  The SUV won.  I was at this wonderful stage in my life.  NO, it was not perfect.  I knew we had issues.  Temporary issues, due to where all the kids are in their life.  3 girls, 1 boy the youngest.  25, 24, 22, and 19 yrs old now.  It was the hardest part of our marriage because, the older they get, the bigger the issues.  Driving, cars, grades (at the time), college, jobs, bills, responsibilities.  I thought this was all normal!  It seemed like just something you had to go through before....WOW !!!  there gone!  It's our time now.  My husband retired after 30 yrs of service.  It was so close I feel it, "it" was just around the corner.  "it" = HAPPINESS.  All we talked about was where should we GO?? We can go anywhere now.  Start new careers, some where nice, new, exciting, FUN!  I was so excited.  It's all I thought about.  The kids all graduated, on there own.  Now, my husband and I can relax, down size, save money, FALL IN LOVE AGAIN.  I thought that was going to be the easiest part, I really did.  Because it was so easy for us before.  I always loved my husband and looked up to him.  But, he really stepped up to the plate during my accident.  I had so much more LOVE, respect, honor for him and our future.  He fed me at the hospital everyday.  Washed me, brushed my teeth, did my BED PAN , cheered me up, held me, encouraged me EVERY NIGHT. Paid someone to come in and wash my hair, because he knew, I felt to dirty laying there.  When I returned home.  He set up a bed for me in the living room 1st floor.  He slept on the floor next to me every night, just incase I needed something.  I would have been ok, I told him to go up to bed.  NOT him, he was there every second.  His work let him work from home for months, to take care of me, until I could walk again.  This sounds really stupid.  But, it was wonderful.  We laughed and cuddled, watched TV, made my meals, all with no complaints.  I will never learn how to get along in life now, with out my best friend there.  In 17 yrs., we never called one another a name, not even like stupid.  He never ever called me a bitch.
Now, I watch him keep secrets. I found out he has a P.O. box for "his" mail. A secret cell phone.  New friends, at his New job, I'm not allowed to meet, because they have all met his girlfriend.  Iv'e tried to kill my self, and he really didn't care.  He would spend time with the 19 yr old, before seeing me in the psych ward.  I didn't know that at the time of course.  Psych ward, there I said it.  It has taken me a long time to realize I actually was so distraut, I thought my life was complete.  To me it was.  I grew up, married, found my true love and best friend for life, raised great kids, had a career, survived the accident, Felt love.  And, it's over.  So, what else is there?  I would rather not know what else could happen. Kids are gone, My best friend is gone, my home will be gone soon, I won't have health insurance soon, I do not have any money even to get to a doctor now, I don't even have any food.  I'm becoming more and more of a burden to family and friends.  Financially, emotionally this is enough for me.  I don't want to ask for help anymore.  And, I keep failing at getting back on my feet again as a functioning, independent, responsible person.
I really like this site.  I'm sad so many other people have to go through the same experiences and heart ache.  But, some of you have a really good outlook, and dispostion again.  I'll keep reading to see what other people think, express there thoughts and ideas to get through such grieving times.  The doctor in the psych ward told me " Mrs. S. your not crazy, your husband is being very inconsiderate in regards to your future.  You have just hit a Volcano in the road.  Seek counseling, and you will be fine with time."  All I wanted was to talk to my husband, that's all I wanted.  All these years of love and security, ripped away.  I have so many why's that will never ever be answered, and they just won't stop in my head.  If it's not the why's, it's the what if's...What if I had done this, or that.  I should have done more, listened better, been more strict, saved more money, held him even tighter, did something to get past that one stage that broke up a beautiful marriage and family.  Yes, I am better, I guess.  Yes, I will keep trying, even if it's for my kids sake.  I'll try not to be so self centered in my thoughts.  And, yes I am open for suggestions.