As i sit wondering my life how to fix what's broken or decide how crazy to I make myself over the little things.  I get the saying " you can't always fix whats broken somethings are best left broken and thrown away" I forget what i read that in maybe a book maybe a medical journal or maybe it was one of those stupid saying's i am always hearing in my head that my mom has said.

How does a person define broken because for me its the thought of never being able to be repaired. You know the alarm clock that is 20 years old and goes off 10 minutes after it is set for so you decide that one day you will buy another one that goes off on time and you throw it away. For me i have never been able to do that i try and try to get used to the fact that im going to be late or im going to have to change the time so its 10min fast and im constanly early. Maybe thats why im trying so hard with this marriage. Or maybe becasue i don't want to be in that statistic you know the one 1 in every 10 marriage's this year will end in divorce within 5 years you know whats funny on that is i actually looked up how many people in the Ionia county Michigan where im from got divorced within in 2yrs and it was 6.79% is that high or what i know that Michigan has its ups and downs and we have nothing to do in the winter, but come on where is the faith where is the realiaty that you signed a commitment to this person for better or worse. Who knew that the worse was going to be sooooo bad.

So okay back to my straight  jacked issue  here is what i am thinking  Yell  scream and see where that lands me yell when there isn't anyone home scream when no one is listening see how i sound when i argue tape it see if it really is me treating him like a child like he says making horriable requests asking him to spend time with me see this is what i did today i taped this conversation to play it back for the two of us i know i know maybe not the best idea i have ever had but it sure beats the ladder of yelling at myself and feeling self pity.  So when i played this back boy did that ever create the most intersting debate that i have ever had with a person in my entire life you know that if you tape a converstation to use at a later date which i was not doing for anything bad just something i read and thought hey maybe that would work for me.  Anyway well if you intend to use it for court or something of that nature they just will not accept that but if they leave you a message you can use that go figure..  Well this is how it went i told him i didn't appriciate waiting around all day for him to come home at the time he agreed to so we could talk spend family time and well figure out what me need to do as a couple.  And he said "WHO ASKED YOU" who asked me who asked  me was my response i said you did when you said you would be home to spend time with me you asked me when you said it  wasn't to much to ask for  you to be home at that time you asked me when we talked about a fair compromise you asked when you said you didn't want me to leave you asked when you promised you would try to work this out. I did notice i do talk allot everyone has always told me that and boy did i ever see that. 

After the argument we talked a little calmer a little cooler but i wouldn't say a little collected because when i am mad i don't always think before i speak..  I asked what he wanted what he needed and at this point i think he is getting what he wants what he needs. I should have never asked that but hey what do you do when your in the heat of it you don't think if your me. So what he wants is a 30 day seperation i agreed i said yes to the one thing i have been fighting and at the end of it at the end of the day at 1am i am relived i am calm i am OK .  Because im not wondering where he is what he's doing what he's thinking and why won't he come home like promised. And im not any of those things because i got the anwsers before he walked out the door before he said goodbye before he said i will talk to you later.  All that pressure i have been feeling gone all that anger burried for the time being but i am at piece with it. 30 days and we will go from there im sure we will talk like normal im sure there will be issues but for 30 days when i go to bed at night the thing i don't have to worry about is when is he coming home i know the anwser to that one. I may not know all the anwsers to the rest but its a start at starting over or ending and that is what i have been wanting. Im sure it won't make sense to most but the feeling is what makes sense to me.