Update and assorted thoughts...... (divorce stories, edd murphy 

So first a quick update on me....
Not much to say about last night....I picked husband up from work and he talked about work and it was good and positive. We got home, and I went to visit a friend of mine that I haven't seen since Thanksgiving and was in the hospital yesterday. Then I got a haircut, returned some video games at Blockbuster, and by the grocery store on the way home. I was a bit disappointed to return at 8pm to find that Ashton had not yet been fed dinner, taken a bath, or done his homework BUT at least his father spent some time with him! I guess I opened his eyes up a bit from our emails earlier that day. Good for me, right? *sigh* So, my arthritis was REALLY bothering me due to this cold front that blew in the day before. I took care of our son and then laid up in bed and watched a movie. Husband played poker and watched basketball but I didn't hear one curse or yell of frustration out of him. He also did some research for a project he's trying to land at work and so those are all very positive things. He also let me be. I got a good night of sleep and we all got up and did our routine this morning.

Went to my interview and I am 90% confident that I landed it!!! I met with both of the sales managers that originally called me (although not at the same time) and after all this up and down of emotions....I am really more excited about this then ever before. I won't be in the same department as Jon, it starts in 2 weeks on 2/4, and the timing as far as everything including paycheck disbursements, etc. really works out well! The starting salary is even less then what Jon figured it would be but the way this new department is structured I could possibly be selling and getting commissions going the first WEEK on the phones. Jon has even expressed that he almost wished he could have been part of this new department. They will be making their calls next week to finalize who will be starting. Anyway, I could go on and on about what happened but I am very excited and one manager swears I will be making double what I currently make now within my first year. It is very exciting!!! :O)

Now, for a side noted post within a post.....I was listening to my normal radio program while getting ready for my interview this morning. They tend to be a bit too drama-orientated for me at times but it makes me laugh and I often am thankful that my life isn't that bad or that I am not as crazy as some of the women I hear calling in. So they were discussing Eddie Murphy's very short-term marriage that is ending after only 2 weeks of marriage. A woman on the news last night, I thought, brought up a good point that he and his now Ex were both in long term marriages, had children from those marriages, and this was sort of their "rebound" relationship. Although, I don't agree that they should have gotten married and instead let their relationship that obviously was going to end anyway, run its course. In any affect this conversation sparked them to invite callers in to talk about short term marriages they have been in or known of. This really depressed me! I mean thank goodness I am not one of these crazies out there but oh my gosh! It is so sad that so many people have really dismissed marriage and divorce as this almost fad-type behavior! Many of the stories were dealing with very young people that had gotten married, soldiers that had ended up getting shipped off to war, and cheaters! The "winner" (but how can you really call her that! it is so sad!!!) was a woman that was married for 4 hours. She was with a bridesmaid in the hotel they were married in and would be staying a few nights in and they went up to checkout the honeymoon suite when low and behold, there she finds her newly wedded husband going down on another bridesmaid...her other best friend!!! She was devestated but this was years ago and she has since gotten re-married to a wonderful man and they have children and are living happily ever after. But really....FOUR hours?! And in your own honeymoon suite nonetheless! Not that I am one that should be chastising someone for being unfaithful...I guess that should just make me shut up right there I suppose.

I guess it just really made me think a lot. I have never been one for weddings and spending all that money on just one day. It seems silly and overproduced. But marriage..or at least just making yourself committed to that long-term commitment just seems so nonchalant a lot of the time. People get many "first impressions" from me and make assumptions on these impressions. I have tattoos, a youthful look, trendy racy hair cut and color at times, a few piercings....but this doesn't mean I don't respect the overall institution of being with someone wholeheartedly! I mean, obviously, I have not respected my boundaries in the past or I wouldn't be sitting here now still wondering about the outcome of my own marriage. But, regardless...I WANT it. Maybe in my heart I still don't really want or am hopeful about this relationship working out. But he is obviously already starting to make the effort. So, I am going to be committed and respectful and will at least make the steps to "working" on figuring out, with him, to see if this is best for us. He hasn't said so yet but I am going to bring up the counseling thing again this evening and I have a very good feeling he will agree. And so it will begin, I suppose. I don't really feel I love him anymore in that "wifely" way but at least I am not trying to break free from this just to be 100% "free". I don't even see it as that as some of these people  that called in. It seems their personal immediate "freedom" is all the divorcer is concerned about. They don't want to fight the battle of marriage vs. life. And yeah, its hard....but I am sick of regret. And, I have never been one to give into regret. My motto has always been, "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger"....and I am going to live by that. I can at least look back and say YES, yes I gave it my all. I did try.

And that's all we can do, right? I know part of me still wishes it doesn't work out but I am going to send that part of me away to an island for a little while. I am going to take the stance right here, right now to be honest and forthcoming and as civil as I can be in the next steps we take. At least maybe he will observe this and respect me for that alone.