My ex is great with our kids - he doesn’t let them get away with bad behavior, reinforces our shared rules and values, and knows to check with me first before promising them the moon.

They aren’t indulged or spoiled when they’re with him, and he’s hip to the all too common trap a lot of non-custodial parents fall into in order to make up for lost time - the ‘why, YES, I will buy you a Poooony! And yes, it should stay at Mom’s house!’ routine. (The dog the kids adore? Lives at his house..)
 
So why is it that he scampers away with glee at the end of a Dad weekend when the kids are at each other’s throats before they even get through the door with a ‘I’m outta here - you guys figure it out!’ shrug? Sure, they act out when they’re with him, and he deals with it admirably. And yep, I pull him in often for those wonderful two-parent on one-kid course corrections, where we both tag team to lay down the law.

But the truth of the matter is that I get to be the heavy - the Mean, Dictatorial Parent - more often than not. Until tonight, that is. Their general unpleasantness during the usual Wednesday night dinner with Dad - coupled with some other pressures of the day - had him close to losing it. So he did something he’s feeling horribly guilty about now - he dropped them off early, told them he really didn’t want to be around them right now, and cut his visit short.
 
Did I get upset about it? Get pissed ’cause he dumped it all in my lap? Nope - after I talked to him & assessed the situation, I set the kids down for the Big Talk. Laid down the law, told them that their behavior all week long had not only pushed me to the limit over and over again, but it was more than their dad could deal with right now as well. And then I listed my own grievances. The response was nothing short of miraculous. The kids started cleaning up the house in order to carve out separate spaces for each; they actually started working together to accomplish same! And now that things have settled down a bit, I just sent an email update to my ex with this at the bottom: And - thank you. You did me a favor by making it crystal-clear to them that their behavior lately is unacceptable, and gave me the big old stick I needed to knock sense into both of their thick skulls. I guess that means we’re now sharing the role of heavy, eh?