Guess what tomorrow is? Go ahead guess. Bet you never get it. I'll tell you what, go ask MyUnwife. She might tell you. Then again, maybe not. She's kind of quiet if she doesn't know you. Approach her slowly, palm extended. That's
right let her sniff your hand. Don't be afraid, she smells fear. Try
coaxing her with kibble…just take a little time…there you go...
Tell ya what. I'll tell ya, I'm no good at secrets, besides, I need to move this entry along. Right
now it's not going anywhere. You're still standing there with a handful
of dog food, trying to talk to MyUnwife; she's staring at you like
you're crazy. It never worked for me either.
"Why is there a line of Eukanuba leading to the bed?"
Sigh…"No reason…"
And why do people think "kibble" is only dog food? It
makes me feel good knowing I'm not the only one who miscommunicates.
Oh, you're blaming this on me? Well, while you're looking up "kibble,"
stand in line; you can just shuffle behind MyUnwife. She's where the line starts.
Tomorrow is MyUnwife's birthday. Everybody wave and smile. Go ahead kick into song. She loves it when groups of strangers sing happy birthday to her. Go ahead, try it. I'll watch from over here—behind the bullet proof glass…go ahead now.
I do wonder what she's got going on this week. I mean she normally takes it off. I'm wondering now, is she still doing that, now that she's alone? Is it weird that I'm concerned? I mean I care. I still do, probably always will. It's not the "Oh gee, come back!" type caring, it's more like that woman who used to live down the block from your grandma. Remember how she was always at grandma's house playing naked charades whenever you went over? You were always concerned for her welfare? This is like that, without the smell of menthol, but just a hint of bitter.
I care, I probably shouldn't. but what can I do? What am I gonna do about it? Nothing. It's better that way. And it's definitely better if I don't think about MyUnwife playing naked charades. She did have a great way of acting out movies thou--ANYWAY. No naked. This is Christmas.
I always thought that had to suck for her. A birthday over Christmas? How many Christmas cards did she get over the years saying "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!" then scrawled on the bottom, "and happy birthday too," Punctuated with a forest of heart exclamation points. Like those hearts made the offense any more palatable. And what about the plush reindeer birthday gift? How do you thank somebody for that, and keep a straight face?
"Popular Phrase…
"Two Words...
"First word…
"Rhymes with…
"Truck? Ok Buck? Duck? Fu-oh, my. That isn't very Christmassy."
Not Christmassy. I think that was her point. It was her birthday. No wonder she didn't want every day to be like Christmas. She's got me beat on the Bah Humbug.
Whatever she does, I hope she has a wonderful birthday. I may not have been the greatest husband, but I tried to celebrate MyUnwife's birthday, and Jesus' birthday separately. It's one thing I thought I could do. Maybe I'll call PetSmart, do they have a kibble delivery team? It would be a nice gift. Better make sure the team's not reindeer driven though.
"Popular Phrase…"