Life... what we go through and what we learn. How we learn it, and what we do with it determines what we get.... Right? What if we want more... and have never been able to get it. What details were over looked? What was missing for us to grasp it? What ailment kept it from happening? When we see it.... will we recognize it? How do we decide what we want? Or... what is needed? Then, when is the appropriate time to apply it? Just some random contemplations I've been thinking of...
I've lived over half my life .... dedicated to my kids.... I love them with all my heart. Nothing will ever change it....Two have left the nest and started living their own lives. One is wanting to share his life with his father. I want no part of the father in my life anymore... NONE...
The twenty years I spent with him was a hell I never want to touch again. It saddens me to think my son wants to live with him, but at his age thats his choice. He has that right to decide. I can't stop it. I don't like it .... but that's his choice... thats life. His life. Not mine.
The problem I have is this ....I want no conflict or involvement with the stbx. He is to controlling and mind manipulative for me to be around.....I know....I will never be able to live around the stbx. That is why we moved away from him. I can't get it across to him to leave me alone...and I mean me... alone. If he wants to communicate with his son, fine. Communicate with him, not me. He won't let go. He wants to place his life in mine... I don't (DO NOT) want him there.
I'm faced with having and wanting to walk away. Not deleting or avoiding my son....just moving on, to a different chapter...Hoping I installed enough self worth and common since in my son to withstand his fathers games. Drama and mind games are my past. I fill like to accomplish this I have to distance myself mentally and physically to be free of the stbx control. I don't want to hurt or damage my son in any way, but if my son chooses to stay, that will be his choice. The damage that his father has done to me, and will continue to do to me is conflicting for what is best for me. I'll have no choice but to leave him here to deal with the father.
I feel like it is my turn to reach for, and figure out what I want and need in my life. I've never had that choice. He never wanted me to work. So, I was a stay at home mom and wife. I enjoyed my children. I was there for them many years and will continue to do so.... Always.... I just can't do it with the stbx in my life..... I.....me....Blp.... has to live.... I can't do it around the stbx.
The manipulation and control wont stop. He wont move on and let it be. I was trapped for 20 years, and I continue to feel trapped. After I filed he was still finding ways to intertwine his self in what I was trying to do. I moved away a couple of months ago to help with the trapped feelings I was having after I filed. Since then he is still intertwining his life with mine. Even as far as quieting a very good high paying job. To get a lower one here. I could understand this if it was for our son, but he hardly talks to him, it's me he wants to talk to. He wont let go.... Again... trapped for what he wants.
I have told him in so many ways to move on, and to let me move on. Now, my son is saying he wants to live a year with me, then a year with him. In this town, and by that time he will graduate.
I will try to find a way to deal with it for a while if, or shall I say when, the stbx comes to live in this town..... Choices.... I wont be here to be trapped. A part of me... my soul... the part of who I am... is begging for freedom of the entrapment.
Please don't judge to harshly. You didn't live with the man.