I am starting my second round of a week long yoga detox. The last time I did it, I was in a very different place. I was having a lot of joint pain and I was focused solely on improving my physical health. At the time, my love life was on track, no real issues with my ex and my work life seemed fine. This time, I am doing it almost purely for my mental health and to get back some inkling of feelings of joy after a very difficult break up, too much bullying from my ex and money worries. What a difference a season makes!
The instructor asked us to write down two lists; what in our lives is toxic and what in our lives is empowering. What I discovered was that both lists were made up mostly of internal stuff. What is most toxic for me? The negative records that play in my head. The part of me that takes over the role of causing me pain where others leave off. What is empowering for me? Feeling like I am making a positive contribution or creative contribution to the world. Both the toxins and the empowerment come from inside in my case.
Yesterday, I went to the beach for tashlich, a ritual between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur when you cast away behaviors that are no longer serving you and make room for something new, something better. I had intended to toss away the ring that my ex boyfriend bought for me in London. But a friend very astutely pointed out that throwing away all the signs that he ever loved me (some of you may remember that I gave him back just about everything else he ever gave me including the diamond earrings he bought me for our 1 year anniversary) is a way of punishing myself and making myself feel that I was never loved. So I didn't do it, but I did end up submerging my entire self in the salt water and I have to say, I felt a little lighter afterwards.
My goal this week is to keep that feeling of lightness going. I know that it won't be constant, but I want to recognize the moments when it is there and see if I can make more space for them. We will see how it goes...