Merry Christmas, Happy New Year!  WhatEVER!  I am in no mood for the holidays today.  My landlord has decided he wants to do a walk-through of our house with his realtor on Tuesday so I have to spend the weekend cleaning instead of Christmas shopping for my kiddos, which I REALLY need to do.  I haven't bought a single thing and Christmas is only 12 days away!  I'm so stressed right now, and my soon to be ex is no help whatsoever.  I practically had to beg him to help me clean the house to get it ready for the walk-through, and getting him to commit to anything is a chore in and of itself.  Today I hate him.  I have my days when I love him and my days when I hate him.  Today is a hate him day.  If he hadn't decided he wanted a divorce we wouldn't have to move out of the house we've been paying on a lease purchase for three years now.  All that money is out the window, and now that he's left me poor, money is a BIG concern.  I miss not having to worry about when my next paycheck was coming so I could pay my bills.  I'm FURIOUS at him for making me have to worry about money again!  If I had a legitimate reason for him leaving, i.e. he was having an affair, we fought all the time, or we were both miserable, I would understand him leaving more.  As it is, he has given me no other reason than that he's "learned a lot of things about himself and the main thing is we can't be married anymore".  That's the only reason I've gotten.  Lousy, no??  ARGH!  I just want to punch something, but not my walls, there are enough holes in them from doorknobs - my kids don't know how to open a door without putting a hole in the wall.  All the doorstops in the house were broken off by the previous inhabitants, so needless to say, we've had some pretty little circular holes punched through the sheetrock.  Nice, huh?  Well, soon to be ex is going to have some patch work to do because I'm not doing it!  I've had it with him today!  Today I want to just kick and scream and fight him all the way to the courthouse.  I can't believe he did this to me and is doing this to my kids... leaving me with a low-paying job and three kids to support!  Today I hate him.  I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel better, but today I'm livid.  I'm furious and I want to hit something.  I think my pillow is going to take some abuse tonight.  Maybe I'll try exercising.  Who knows?  It all depends on what I have time for since I have to clean floorboards and dust every nook and cranny before the landlord comes. 
I packed up all my wedding photos and my wedding album last night.  I don't know what I'm going to do with it all.  I don't want to throw it all out because what if my daughter wants it one day?  I guess I'll just stick it in the attic with the rest of my memories of what used to be.  I am so angry right now.  I feel like crying and screaming and throwing things.  How could he throw sixteen years out the window?  How could he just throw me out like yesterday's garbage?  Just pitch me out the door - don't need that old bag anymore.  Like I said, the holidays are the last thing on my mind.  I still haven't put my tree up and my daughter asks me every night when we're going to decorate the tree.  I need to do it for my kids.  I need to decorate the house just like I used to when we were all together.  I still have a family - it's broken and it's smaller now, but it's still my family, so I need to be strong for them.  It's just hard when all I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and cry myself to sleep to get up and continue on.  How do people do this?  How do you cope?