It's been a strange week for me. Lots of friends and acquaintances reaching out about marital problems or post divorce issues. I wrote about my dinner with the work colleague the other night. How she kept putting on her husband to leave her, to "let her go" even though she is the one that wants the divorce and is having the affair. I didn't mention that he also has cancer. This is a button pusher for me, because as some of you may recall, my ex cheated on me while I was going through chemo. And the thing is, I don't think this woman is a bad person. I think she is behaving badly in a bad situation and that it isn't necessary. I told her that I thought she was doing things that would make her feel bad about herself, that don't really reflect the kind of person that she is. I do believe that the true measure of a person is how they behave when things get difficult.
Then last night I met up with someone I work with that I don't really know at all, and at some point it got into the "my wife doesn't understand..." This seems to be a theme these days. I think it is all normal, to have disagreements and misunderstandings. To be annoyed by someone, disappointed in them. To feel alienated sometimes. The question is which part do you focus on in a relationship? The shortcomings or the strengths? And which are there more of? I certainly got the sense last night that this particular guy is in a good, strong marriage. Maybe more just venting because he could.
Then I came home to an e-mail from a friend that has been a great support to me these last few months. Her ex is getting re-married, the divorce became final in July. Her daughter is acting out and she is about to end the relationship she is in. A relationship that seemed very promising. The thing about her e-mail that stuck with me is how she tried to keep focusing on how much she loves her job. That seems like a very healthy thing to me. Don't push down the pain, but also look at what is good. I need to do more of that. We probably all need to do more of that.
Anyway, I feel like any residual part of me that still has the tendency to think that somehow everyone else's life is better than mine is being taught a lesson. We all have struggles, we all have triumphs and that is just the way life works. The question is, do you act out, or do you focus on the good things and try to figure out the rest.