I have been staying off d360 for the last serval days for reasons I won't get in to. I have used this time away to do sometime I've been wanting to do but up until now, didn't have the courage to do.
I have taken a very close and truthful look at each relationship I have in my personal life. Every family member, every friend, I looked at each of those relationships individually for what they really are and discovered a horrible and painful truth about all of them except two of them. All but two of the relationship in my personal life are based on lies and use of me. My daughter and one other person, both I hold very dear to my heart, are the only ones in my personal life who have not lied to me or used me. They have simply care and love me the way I do for them. The rest of the people I have in my personal life have lied to me just so they can use me to meet their own needs. The love they had express to me was a lie played out by them so they could use me as needed to reach their own personal needs. I looked very close at all this and found that every time they showed love to me, there was something they need from me. When they stop showing love for me, they didn't want to be bothered my me. Just like a tool! You only bother with it when you have a use for it and when your done using it, you toss it aside and forget about it until the next time you need it. That's how all my relationship in my personal life have worked. All but those two I hold dear to my heart.
I believe in real love. Real love has not use of need, it is a commitment you make and keep no matter what happens. I believe I have made that commitment and kept it with everyone in my personal life. I have suffered, sacrificed, and literally bleed my own blood more than once to give real love to others. Yet this is what I got in return. I got used.
My heart is already fragile from the destruction that my wife has done to my life and now my heart has to hurt even more at the realization that all but two people that I love in my personal life have been using me. You know how much that hurts. It hurts so bad that I swear all I want to do is cry forever. I want to stop loving others and just cry. But I know I can't stop loving others because I still have two people that I love so much that I won't let go of and that I want to love them for ever. So, instead of getting caught between loving and not loving, I am letting everyone go but those two people. I am refusing to love anyone else other than those two. They are my world, my heart, my life and I'm putting up a huge wall around them to keep them safe from others trying to get in to a part of my life that they no longer belong in. I can love with absolute truth from heaven it self, but I can hurt with pure pain from hell it self. I will let the love and the pain be created or destroyed by those two very special people. I am leaving everything else.
I know that my friends in d360 are not like those who have hurt me so much and I'm not talking about any of you guys in this blog. I am very grateful for you guys being there for me. I wish those in my personal life could have been more like those on d360. Maybe I wouldn't hurt so much now. But I only have two in my personal life that are attached to my heart and can love or hurt me. I trust them to love rather than hurt. ~ Chris