It’s the holidays, and ’tis the season to tell your honey that you love them
and want to marry them. An awful lot of people of the marrying type have seen
movies like When Harry Met Sally, where the
big proposal takes place on New Year’s Eve, and I’m sure that there are
countless other films like that one that I just can’t recall at the moment.
Well, hold that thought. Perhaps before you pop the question (or accept a
question that is popped), consider the future, and do it carefully, because the
last thing that you want to do in the long run is end up in a situation where
you’ll think about divorcing your spouse, because divorce is not fun and you
want to avoid forever if possible. Here are some guidelines to help you find
your mate, and keep them.
On Compatibility
Here your question is this: do they like what you like? Are they a geek? Do
they like to write? Is your prospective mate a hard worker, or lazy? Do they
like wine, beer, or milk? If you and your prospective spouse are employed
professionals, would you hire your spouse, given their personality? Your best
bet is that the person that you want is into what you’re into. In the famous
words of Chris Rock, whatever they’re into, you’ve got to be into too. If your
hobbies, work ethic, and activities jibe, you’ve got a much better chance.
On Finances
Is your mate a well organized financial person? Are finances important to
them? This is interesting, because in many families, one person or the other
picks up the other person’s financial slack. In that case, is the person who is
the “slacker” willing to make an effort? Is money something you discuss, not
scream about? What is your combined debt situation, and is that a deal
breaker?
In most of the successful marriages that I know, the man is the one that
needs the organizational help the most. Make of that what you will.
On Emotion
Are you in love? Meaning, can you look into the future and envision yourself
with this person for the next ten years? Do you trust this person’s opinion and
cherish their advice and support? In short, are you committed?
If not, you’ve got trouble. If so, there’s a shot.
On Children
If either of you wants children and the other doesn’t, then you’re going to
have a problem. If you’re a woman and want kids when he doesn’t, won’t, and
isn’t ready, resentment will set in. If you’re a man and you want kids and she
doesn’t, you’ve got a similar situation… and she will have a lot of competition
from co-workers, acquaintances, and strangers. Neither position is at ALL
positive for future of your relationship.
If one or both of you already has children, how does your future spouse treat
their existing children or your existing children?
On Family
Not a lot of people remember that if you’re marrying someone, you’re marrying
their family as well. Not only that, but the way that your prospective partner
treats their existing family is a window into how they might treat you down the
line. Look at your partner’s relationship with their mother, father, brothers
and sisters. Do they have a good relationship? Beyond that, keeping in mind that
every family is just a little crazy to begin with by definition, how crazy is
your partner’s family? Is it something that you can live with?
On Filling The Gaps
One of the most attractive things relationships in general is the ability to
fill the gaps: those things that people aren’t good at, but are activities where
their partners excel. Did you want to me a stay at home dad, and your
prospective spouse the breadwinner? Do you hate to cook while your spouse loves
to cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday?
These are great examples of filling the gaps. If you’re aware of your gaps,
vaguely aware of your partners, and are comfortable with those differences and
are willing to accept those without trying to change their personality to be
like your own, then you have a darn good thing going.
The biggest reason for divorce is not cheating, money, or domestic abuse;
it’s MARRIAGE. Therefore it’s reasonable to consider carefully your situation
with your significant other before you take the plunge, because divorce is a
cause of poverty, suffering, and heartache. Think, if just for a minute.