Still feeling lost 

I haven't posted for a few days so here is where I am at now.  Last week I had initiated communication with stbx (he does not call us and has refused to give me contact info).  To reach him, I have to call him at work before he gets off work at 11 a.m.  After that, I am outta luck, even in the event our daughter would have an emergency.  So when we spoke on three days early last week, he told me that he loved me, wanted to be a family, missed being home...yadda yadda yadda.  But no committment to giving up his single life at this point.  So I got the message that he wanted to test out his new life for a while longer.  Bullshit!!  Not going to wait around for the bozo to figure out his 'issues' so I am proceeding with the divorce.  I just switched my medication from Lexapro (wasn't helping) to Cymbalta so I am hoping that will work to allieviate some of the anxiety and sadness.  I am proud of myself for not picking up the phone and calling him since we last spoke early last week.  Major feat for me and I was turning to him to try to get comfort from my sadness.  But I have to remember that it was him that gave me this sadness and situation.  I still don't understand why he won't give up his contact info so that we can start having some sort of visitation schedule established with his daughter.   He has NEVER contacted me since leaving in early August.  Any contact was was by me calling him at work My lawyer does not feel comfortable with letting him have anything other than supervised visitation without giving that contact info up.  Still having a hard time with the reality of things.  All in an instant of discovering he was cheating my life and entire world was turned completely upside down.  Life as I knew it no longer exists....and it sucks to have to start all over again at 42.  I wonder if I will ever find love again, and will I be strong enough to get through this divorce that looks like it will turn ugly because I cannot stand him and hate what he has done to me and the family.  Perhaps a part of me wants a little revenge--anybody got any good ideas or tips on what they have done in the past :)    But at least I know that all I have lost is him, I still have the kids, the house (purchased before the marriage in my name), and the respect of family and friends.  He has nothing except the skanks and whores he is sleeping with.  So really, I guess I haven't suffered that big of a loss when he is a total pig and man-ho now.  Thanks for letting me vent !