I know cranky is a kids term but that is how I felt all weekend. Not really full blown anger just very irritable. I need some advice. I am trying hard to forgive and move on with my life and know the emotions will take some time but I absolutely hate this whole part of this process. I tend to get this way when I see my stbx at all like tonight when she picked up the kids. Part of it is sometimes slipping back into disbelief this has all happened even though I do not want her back at all.
I guess it goes back to nasty emails earlier in the week and a conversation tonight and things I overlooked during our marriage about her controlling nature. It is all little things that just add up that really piss me off.
Tonight it was a call 10 minutes before pick-up stating she was at her Dad's "working out some things" and was wondering if I was OK if she was late. Now her father is a good 20-30 minutes away if she left right away and I had dinner plans so I said that would not work and she just hung up and headed over. Two things pissed me off. She is always late and always has been. I just consider it rude. Also there is always a comment about what she is doing at the time that I just do not care to hear. Again, little things but she knows it gets under my skin. Why can't it just be as simple as I'm running late, do you have plans? I will get there by __________. Or just be on time for once in her life for God's sake.
Same thing on everything with her. It was 4 emails (would have been the same over the phone) about our visitation schedule and her wanting definitive dates from me. Now we have been doing every other week for 3 months now so I just responded nothing has changed. She appeared to make it clear one weekend would not work for her only to find out after 4 emails that we are basically on the same plan as before - go figure? Then more comments about how she has not told the kids about the things they have missed during their weekends with me because "I place your parenting time first" What is the point of that comment?
We have two pieces of property connected. One for the business and one for the home that she lives in. She correctly pointed out that I should make sure the old business property gets mowed. I totally agreed then called someone immediately to do that. Well that was not good enough for her. She then needed to tell me she preferred so and so do it. I told her no that I would take care of it and again about 3 more emails telling me how to get it done and how I should feel about it. AHHHHHH!!!! This frankly was our marriage also.
I have stated I have a business that failed due to the housing crisis. Now part of the business purchase was attached to the home (typical for small business loans). Thus the divorce has complicated this. She is staying in the home and we can afford to pay the mortgage until this is resolved and home is sold paying 50/50 (too many other details to explain). Now way back in November last year a good attorney explained to us very carefully our options on the home when divorce had not been brought up but the business was in severe trouble. We could walk away from the mortgage and take the credit hit or try to stick it out until sold. Right after divorce about two weeks later she made it clear I was to move back and take on the home and she wanted to move and rent. Now this would not work as I cannot afford to refinance the home even with a good job due to the unresolved business debt which is taking time to resolve and she knows that. She wanted me to cover her completely for any issues even though when we were married she knew the risks and was all for the move and purchase. A friend has now told me she finally understands the issues regarding the home and will stay in it - now this only took her 8 months to figure this out and I am the problem in her eyes?????
I have blogged before that she never cared about financial matters and we actually did and lived very well for 19 of our 20 years until the business failure. She is also getting virtually all the cash which came primarily from my earnings and savings. Ladies this is a woman who got to stay home for 8 years of our marriage while our kids were young with a housekeeper and everything and now gets to work from home and is paid pretty well for her skills.
The initial divorce decree had no visitation for me because I live 1 hour away and travel some??? She also wanted me to pay for any tax return errors but split any refunds 50/50 and I was to pay for half the cost of our two dogs. Now why is she spending good money on an attorney to think this crazy shit up??
The issue over the visitation schedule somehow also revolved around "her personal plans" for a weekend I had the kids that I felt strongly, and others who read her various emails agreed, she wanted the kids. Well, that was not the case. I guess she just needed to point out over and over again "she had plans that weekend". When we meet in public in front of others she is so nice I want to puke and has trouble not touching me in some way. I just don't get this???
She also told our mutual friend she does not know why this is so hard, I am being difficult, etc, etc. He told her - what do you expect it is a divorce and you asked for it out of the blue after 20 years. This is on top of sleeping with some guy I knew and so many names and labels told to me and others you would not believe. She has picked up the kids at the same place for 2 months now and had to ask again where she was picking them up this weekend. How do sane people think this way?
It is just constant - do this, do it this way and feel this way about it and damn whatever I think or feel. It just makes it so hard to ignore because she just makes no sense to me and I have finally had enough of this after 20 years because it was the same so many times in our marriage. I would usually give up during arguments and try to be better for her. She lives in such a pretend world.
Again, it is all little shit but it takes numerous emails (why I gave up on phone calls) to do ANYTHING with her and there is always some comment from her about what she is doing that I just don't care to know. It is never just simple and straight forward and is soooooo tiring. I try hard now just to ignore it all but tonight I need to vent. It just makes it harder with the bigger issues we still face like getting this divorce finalized. I can tell the kids, especially my daughter, are stressed with her and really enjoy their time with me.
I just don't know how someone who was loved and well taken care of for 20 years turns so quickly and so nasty?? I don't ever want to be with her again but I miss my kids terribly and our family life and hope the kids can learn how to be a better person and not be as manipulative and hold your feelings in until they blow like she does. It is very lonely at times. While I have two great places to live with friends I am sacrificing in not getting a place of my own until the business and home issue is resolved so I can help pay for the current home. She feels she is the only one sacrificing and not one word of thanks from her to friends that also used to be her friends and helped her greatly for helping me - which is saving her money in the long run. Just incredible from one who called me rude and feels she is the one who is kind and responsible to others.
How do you put away all this little bullshit when you have been left like garbage on the side of the road and the person who did that to you is running around telling people I am difficult and she is just doing what she had to do because I ruined everything and did not care for her enough??? How do you finally face this person every two weeks who is so freakin nice in public and so vindictive in private you just want to rip her head off??? How do you finally let go and find happiness when you have been put in such a lonely place by someone you trusted implicitly and loved, although not perfectly, for 20 years, had two children and kept in a wonderful lifestyle, never abused verbally or physically, etc, etc???
I can't change her but how did I not see these things for what they really were during all these years??? I did notice them and down deep was very unhappy at times when they rose to the surface. Why did I not just leave??? Why did I even marry her (she was 3 months pregnant when I met her and gave the baby up for adoption and I stuck with her through all of that)??? I just don't think we were ever a good fit. She was a nice fun person and a good mother. However, I never felt intellectually challenged or stimulated, our sex was good but generally when she was high or had a few drinks and she could rarely, if ever, discuss her needs, likes, wants and desire in sex. She always stated you should just know what I want. A good husband or man should just know how to treat a woman or his wife and know what she needs help with. I should not have to ask you.
Ladies help me here?? I have gone on enough and it is almost impossible to fully explain and there are soooo many stories I could tell. I am just confused and cranky!!!!!!!!!!!!