And then there was counseling. It is that last ditch effort like the road sign that threatens "Last gas station for 537 miles"
We tend to be very different people and in some ways traditional to the roles of male/female. He was inclined to believe everything was fine no matter what was going on and felt that I was over sensitive and made a big deal out of things. I love to talk. About relationships and feelings, I read self-help books and will wear a vintage beaded cardigan to my own living room to view Pride & Prejudice. I think that's why he only became willing to attend counseling when the issues were extreme: cheating. I saw the windows of openness in him and thought maybe this problem could turn into something positive. That he would become motivated by the pain he had caused to change the qualities that were destructive and perhaps we could grow together from this.
He LOVED the christian counselors. And I dove into that doctrine with the same extremism I do many things. Listening to it in my car, reading it at home and over all, really embracing many of the beautiful principles underneath the metaphors that can so easily be manipulated. But the message I got was clear; submit to your husband and work harder on meeting his needs, and you'll feel better.
This was our 3rd time in counseling.
As I countinued to redirect my attention, the little things still graded on me and I think as we get older we become less bendable and our habitual selves more magnified. (I just erased the entire line where I describe his shortcomings) I dont want to point fingers, the bottom line is, we could not communicate in a way that felt real. We frustrated and criticized each other. However, even though I knew all this and had been dancing with divorce for a few years by then, I honestly did not know I would do it until the day we split up.
For me, and that is the only reference point that matters anymore, I had been asking for a sign or some clarity in regard to my marriage. It did not feel like it fit anymore and was deeply uncomfortable too often, but I simply could not accept that I should leave a committment like this under any circumstances. The fight began swiftly and meaninglessly, but gained momentum in a heartbeat and all the familiar feelings of contempt and resentment were full force. I simply couldnt do it anymore, my children stood there, watching us. Learning. And then, things went that one step too far, I watched this union leap over my line in the sand, and knew with absolute clarity that I was done.
Divorce is a process, it's the reverse dating world, I tip toe around the idea of it, allowing my mind to adjust to the shock of this reality, much like a girl practices her boyfriends last name with her own, experimenting with the new identity. I begin to slowly unravel myself from this role I have known, not certain where it will go from here, but open to the possibilites.