So my therapist told me yesterday that she thinks I am in a clinical depression. That might be because I sat in her office for an hour crying and telling her that it is hopeless and my life is always going to suck. Still, if anything, I am a doer. So not wanting to be in a clinical depression, I made myself go out last night. First I went to the opening of the local Obama campaign headquarters. There were well over a thousand people there and they had to move the whole thing outside, but I managed to run into some people that I know. People I hadn't seen in a long time because I was busy being involved in a relationship and not as involved in the world of politics. Intellectually, I knew it was exciting to be there with all of those energized people, but emotionally, I felt nothing.
Next I went to Green Drinks near where I live, a monthly gathering of environmentalists over cocktails. I didn't know anyone, but I made myself strike up conversations with a couple of people until it became too exhausting and I went home,. I knew I should feel proud of myself for breaking out of my shell, but again, I felt nothing.
My friend asked if I was excited about my upcoming trip to San Francisco and I said not really. I told her I wasn't really looking forward to anything right now. She said it had been so long since she went through a break up that she couldn't remember how it felt. I said it feels like this, it feels like shit.
And I guess this is what clinical depression feels like. I feel numb, except when I feel angry. And the anger feels like it has no place to go. I still fantasize about running into him so I can tell him all the things I didn't say at the end, about what a truly despicable person he is. But I know deep down that it won't help. Or if it does, it will only be temporary.
So I suppose I should just recognize where I'm at and try to remember that I will eventually move through it. In the meantime, I keep hoping that if I continue to go through the motions, eventually I will feel something positive from it.