I finally did it! I kicked him out on Wednesday afternoon! And I wasn't scared at all....not in the least! He did not intimidate or guilt me into changing my mind.
I haven't gotten to in depth with my story before now...but we will try (it's too damn long to get it all in one blog).
My husband is a marine. He was just in Iraq for the last year and returned only about 2 months ago. Before he left, I was a weak and docile mess. Well, to the outside world I was loud, funny, crazy, bartender in the French Quarter with nothing but a great party life. At home, I was just hoping my STBX wouldn't notice me. Yes, wouldn't notice me. If he came home that day and noticed me I might just piss him off. Maybe, I didn't look presentable enough that day, maybe he walked in and caught me on the couch (even if that doesn't mean that I wasn't sitting there all day), or the house wasn't cleaned enough, the kid wasn't behaving enough, dinner wasn't exactly what he wanted, etc. He would often go off on me. He would often not come home for days only to call me and tell me he was on his way home, to have all my and my daughter's shit on the front porch...he wants me out. He had many different girlfriends that he loved to spend the bill money on, run off with for a few days, compare me to. The comparing part was the worst. I never seemed to measure up. Of course, they weren't dealing with an abusive husband, a job, taking care of a baby, moving around the country as a Marine wife, and other very demanding issues. They just answered their doors with smiles, their pre-baby bodies, the cutest clothes, no bitterness of him cheating, hitting, and insulting.
We moved to Virginia and he immediately was sent to Iraq. There, he emailed me daily, called often exclaiming his love for me and our daughter. He told me how horrible he realized he was. That being in Iraq in so many dangerous situations made him see the light.
Little did he know...the time away from him was time that I used to find myself. It's funny how if left on your own without a "warden" to imprison, insult, and abuse you...you start to see your good qualities. I started seeing that I am a hard-worker, not lazy. I am a good loving mother, not a shitty one. I always am given compliments about how immaculate and "cool" my home is, we don't live in a pig-pen thanks to me. I am very intelligent and independent, I'm not "lucky" to have him or I'd just die. I started seeing all the things he had done to me and how I didn't really deserve them. I started wondering how I ever felt that I did? How did I get tricked into this mindset? Why would someone just rip another person's wings off? I know the answers now....
My STBX was an abused child himself. He was beaten down and unsupported, he was abandoned and unloved. He has low self-esteem that he hides by having to be in control of every situation. He feels he doesn't deserve me or my daughter and that one day we will see that too and abandon him. He thinks the only way to keep me around is to convince me that our daughter and I, desperately need him to survive and that we are soooo flawed.
I feel horrible that parents would break a son so badly. I feel horrible that he feels so flawed and incomplete inside. My heart breaks that this man has an abused scarred child inside himself.
But, I can NOT allow him to do the same to me and my daughter. I came home from work, sweating profusely, exhausted, drained and just wanted to relax on Wednesday. He had gotten home two hours before me. As soon as I walked into the door, he met me there, closed it behind me and told me that I had some work to do. The dishes were filling the sink, the living room had toys everywhere, dinner need to be cooked, and laundry needed to at least be started. I told him I was tired and that all would have to wait for tonight. He became infuriated! He wanted it done now!
I calmly (and oddly enough without fear or feeling intimidated) that I hear that he wanted it done now but I wasn't going to do any housework for the day, it was 6 pm and I was resting until bed. I told him that now that I am working again full-time, he needed to help out. I explained to him that I would compromise and if he wanted this done, I had in fact planned on tackling it all Thursday. If he needed it done tonight though, he would have to do it on his own. I had done it many times before. I told him he would have to come up with dinner on his own as well. I was popping a Kid Cuisine in the microwave for the kid, and making myself a sandwich.
He felt his loss of control. He attacked the next weakest thing to him. Our daughter! He began to name all of her gripes that he had ever had with her (I at this time, sent her to the front porch with money for the ice cream truck) he said he was sick of her, she was a brat, she was lazy, she was un-disciplined, she was greedy and selfish, etc etc etc.
I told him I had had enough! He may have gotten away with putting me down all these years but he would not ruin my daughter. I tried to explain to him how ridiculous he sounded screaming about her imperfections when she was such a great child. I said he sounded like a resentful stepdad instead of her biological father. I told him to control his self or to leave. He chose to start packing his bags.
As he was walking out the door I advised him that he is not coming back home to the same wife he left. He is not going to leave and stay with one of his girlfriends all night with the intention of coming back to me the next day. Once he leaves, he stays out. He paused and said, "You're overreacting" but left out the door. Good!
Now, I am allowing him to come to the house tonight to discuss our next steps. I am considering allowing him to rent out the finished basement part until the lease is up. We are stuck in the lease and I can't afford it on my own. I will be going through with the seperation and divorce process, however. I have explained to him that the last two nights have been peaceful and quiet for my daughter and me. I told him I have tried and been constant for him for seven years and it has done me no good. I am not willing to invest another day in it.
I can do "bad" all by myself...only, this way at least I get some peace and quiet!!!