Today would have been my 20th wedding anniversary. Tensions were high between my stbx over the last few days with nasty emails flying back and forth. I continue to be drawn into her manipulations and respond with too much anger. It calmed down some. I went back to the town they live to see my daughter perform at half time with the dance team for the Jr High football, which was very nice. The ex showed up with my son who sat with me and she sat elsewhere. Of course she was all nice to me in front of others - even reached out and touched me - made my skin crawl how manipulative she is.
Anyway, 20 years ago today was a beginning. It was also the day one of my best friends, and best man, met his wife at my wedding and that is who I have been living with - so good things did happen - plus of course my children. So today is also and ending and the tears flow as I write this. However, I made a decision today to make it a beginning.
In Divorcecare classes we learn about forgiveness or letting go of the baggage of anger and bitterness and control and handing it over to God and let him/her be the judge. It does not mean forgetting, telling them or condoning. It is a one way street decision and is not a feeling - those will come. So in my journal today I asked God for forgiveness for my issues and I forgave my ex for everything and turned that over. I pray for strength and perseverance to allow the feelings to come and find some peace and move from anger and bitterness to hope.
I am just too tired to keep this up any longer and it will just eat me alive. I just feel I have a chance to start over (and we all do) so why not today? What is stopping me? I am still not who I am and who I can be with all this bitterness and anger which will never change a thing or make me feel any better. I hope the path works. Now I am spiritual and am trying to get closer to God but am not overly "religious". However, I do recommend the divorcecare classes offered by churches across the country.
I pray that all of us can find forgiveness for ourselves and can forgive the debt completely from those that have hurt us. Only then can we be free. I am still waiting their response to my changes to the decree. On 9/6 the 60 days is up and we can sign. I hope this just goes away and does not go to mediation or something - I have nothing left to give.
Happy Anniversary to a new start!