God Dammit!!! I couldn't help myself. It was one of the reasons I moved out. I didn't want to be obsessing about what she was doing, who she was talking to, but dammit, she was sooo secretive with her phone when I went over to the house yesterday. She took the phone upstairs when she went to go take her shower. Why would she need the phone in the shower? The only other answer is that she didn't want me to be near it. Which of course, makes me think what's on it that I shouldn't see? Then she goes up to the bathroom for an "emergency," but this time she leaves her phone. I had to look. I found texts. She's still screwing him!!! At least one him, maybe two. I was so upset, the phone shook in my hand.
She looked me right in the eye and told me she wouldn't!!! I don't think I was unreasonable. I asked her to stop seeing them, at least until she figured out how she felt about me. Maybe it was the way I asked. I ASKED..."do me a favor, and please stop seeing these guys until you figure out how you feel about me." I didn't give an ultimatum, I didn't demand. I don't know if that would have made a difference...asking nicely sure as fuck didn't.
I didn't even tell her to stop TALKING to them...for two reasons...the guys she's targeting are unhappily in an either marriage or committed relationship (found them through Ashley Madison). She has a lot in common with them. I figure that some of them are also giving her advice about what to do, helping her to sort out her feelings. I know she isn't screwing EVERYONE she is talking to...yet. I figure I do the same on this site, only difference is that I'M NOT GETTING LAID!!! That BIG difference aside, how can I forbid her from seeking advice with people she's established friendships with when I'm doing the same thing on this site? And second...I do realize that our marriage might not survive. I understand she wants to keep her options open, and I didn't want to shut that door. I thought that maybe if she just talks to them, she wouldn't go out and fuck them. I was an idiot to think that.
My dad has a saying...take my kindness for weakness, and that's exactly what she's done here. The bitch of it is, I'm still not ready to give up on our marriage!!! Does that make me the biggest loser of them all? See, the thing is that I SEE she is making an attempt to fix the marriage...it's nowhere near good enough, but there is that attempt. I see it. Well, I'm going to call the marriage counselor and get her advice. With her depression, I need to find a way to confront her about this without sending her into a spiral down, but I can't live like this anymore.
I can't live like a paranoid junkie anymore. I can't live with her lying to me. Our trust in eachother, the thing that bonds all friendships, serious relationships, and marriages is completely destroyed at this point. She can't trust me to be there for her emotionally and satisfy her needs, and now I can't trust her to keep her word. I think it's time for no more Mr. Nice Guy. I think it's ultimatum time. I've tried to be patient. I've tried to be understanding. All it's gotten me is being a fucking emotional doormat to a woman who wants to be single but have the security of someone who will catch her when she falls...both emotionally and financially. I'm done.