Okay, so after almost 4 years of being married to an intimidating, verbally abusive (once or twice, physical), and cheating butthead...I am done! Great...wonderful...ok, now what?
Obviously, you can't just up and leave without losing too much. So, I bide my time, wait until the lease is almost up, sock away a little money, and try to make it as comfortable in the house as possible.
Thing is, I HATE pretending. I have told him repeatedly that I don't really care to be married anymore. I have told him that I am miserable and can't trust him and am sick of wondering what new evidence of an affair will I find next. He begs for forgiveness, calls himself an "asshole", and then kisses my butt for a few days.
In the meantime, if he really knew...I mean, really accepted the fact that I am leaving...my life and my daughter's life would be hell! He would hit, scream, yell, threaten, intentionally try to bury me...because of his fear of rejection. So, I have to not mention it really. I have to just fake that Im still "in it" while I am totally "out of it" in the my head.
I talk to him yesterday about how he never has a nice thing to say about me or our daughter. I tell him that instead of constantly telling our kid and me what we do wrong, why can't he thank or compliment us on something we do right? I mean, Im an adult...but my 5 year old can't be expected to get through this without any self esteem left. If she picks up her room, and proudly asks her daddy to see what she did, he tells her what she didn't do...if she quietly walks beside us as we shop, but then asks for a toy or some candy, he berates her in public for being a "greedy spoiled brat".
Basically, his opinion of my daughter: greedy, spoiled, undisciplined, lazy, spazzy, whiney, weak, irritating, loud, obnoxious, and much more!
His opinion of me: lazy, fat (not fat), undisciplined, irresponsible, spend too much money, give my kid anything she wants, won't discipline her ever (because Im a lazy parent), insane (actually have seen emails where he tells the OW this), self-pity, paranoid, etc, etc....
I mean, if he thinks us so horrible, why doesn't he just find someone else? He says because he loves me. He says he can't stand being alone either... that he feels he MUST be married. He doesn't feel this badly about me, he thinks Im beautiful and a wonderful wife, mother, cook, housekeeper, lover, very understanding person, loyal friend,etc....but then why does he say all these other things most of the time?
I heard somewhere that for every 1 mean comment you make to someone, it takes 10 nice comments to cancel out the mean thing. I think this is sooo true.
On a lighter note, I took my baby girl to her kindergarten orientation today! She is so excited and I am too. Just feels kind of soon to send her off alone. God, I love her so much and I even signed up for the PTA today (totally not a me thing but thought it would be a great way to show my kid I support her).