Well, I tried to leave Monday and I failed miserably. Why can't I just be a stronger person!! When he came home from work on Monday I told him I needed to talk to him, and then I handed him a letter I had wrote him about how unhappy I was. I figured a letter would be the easiest way, for me atleast since I never can seem to get up the nerve to say what I really feel. But anyways, he immediately started yelling, kicked the coffee table and knocked a glass of milk and a glass of water in the floor. Then the water bottles started flying at me. He started saying that he couldn't believe I was doing this to him right after he got off work, and then told me to just leave. But when I grabbed the phone and started dialing my Mom's phone number he grabbed it and wouldn't let me have it back.
He said I was being selfish, and that I couldn't take my son with me if I left. Then he said if I left he'd kill me sister because he knew it was all her fault that I felt this way. I tried to explain that no, this was his fault, the way he treats me is why I am unhappy. The fact that he made me quit school, and won't let me talk to anyone I went to school with.. I have no friends, the fact that I'm not allowed to go ANYWHERE without him, all me and my son do all day is sit here in the house. The whole time he was yelling at me and telling me what an awful person I was, telling my how I had made a vow before God and how I was going to hell, I had not one tear in my eye. Not one thought of regret, I have hardened against him. But then, I look at my little boy in the other room, and I break down.. should I really do this to him? Will he hate me one day for tearing his family apart?
Well atleast he did say he'll let me go to my Mom's house on Friday while he's at work. But that wasn't enough.. Is that bad of me.. should I be happier about this.. I have been unhappy for so long I don't know if I can ever love him.. I really don't know if I ever did. I was only 17 when we got married, and I really think the only reason I got married so quickly was because I wanted out of my parents house. Maybe I really am just a horrible person and I'm just paying for it now, maybe I deserve this.. I don't know..