Well, we had our second joint counseling appointment and we made a small step forward, but it was a big one in many ways and one that gives me a little anxiety about what she wants. The counselor asked my wife the bare minimum from me to make this marriage work. A similar question two weeks ago was "I don't know." This time, it was "He needs to spend more time just being with me."
At first blush, I didn't think this was unreasonable. After all, I do realize that part of our problems was me withdrawing within myself and doing things by myself to such an extent that I had completely ignored her. Spending time with her makes sense, and I can appreciate that. I had been making more of a conscious effort when I learned that she was unhappy. I knew that me being on the computer a lot was detrimental, so I limited it to about a half hour or less, just to check e-mail and read an article or two. Then I would spend time in the same room with her, either watching tv or doing whatever with her in the room. Occasionally, a friend or family memeber would call, and I would talk to them for a while.
As she expounded on her answer, I began to feel a little apprehensive. She was saying that, because of our work schedules and my doing things to try to get a better job, we only get two hours together and that I spend some of that time on the computer and talking on the phone. I had a vision that her idea of time spent with her is that I should be in her presence from the time she gets up to the time she goes to bed. That's the fucked up part...when we are "together," she's usually on her laptop computer playing games, reading up on something, or watching her programs on tv. She apparantly wants me to just be "present" while she's doing this.
So, I go downstairs to take care of e-mail out of her sight, that's unacceptable, but I'm supposed to just stay in the room just in case a commentary about what she's into happens to pop into her head and needs me right there to tell it to me? The counselor asked me if I got that, and I did, but I just don't have much of a response to it. I mean, I know that her expectation (at least, that's what I envision it to be after reflecting on past actions and her statement in counseling) seems to be being in her presence during all my down-time, but that is unrealistic. I can spend more overall time with her, but there are just going to be times where I want to do other things that aren't in her presence. As to the phone conversations, it's okay when she gets calls during "our" time, but it isn't okay for me to? Smacks a tad hypocritical to me.
I just couldn't pop her bubble then and there, though. I know that this is an emotional need that has a lot to do with childhood issues, and I also know that she knows, at least on a logical plane, that this is unrealistic. But, another of her complaints is when I try to tell her something, she complains that I make her feel like she is "being unreasonable." Well, sometimes she is being unreasonable...this would be one of those times. How can I say something to her, conveying that it isn't reasonable, but not make her FEEL like it's being unreasonable? I don't know if that's even possible. I kept my response level and cautious.
I want her to feel like we're making progress. I didn't want to quash this baby step for her by belittling or disregarding how she felt, but otoh, I need to convey to her that her feelings are purely selfish, as I don't need to be a participant in what she's doing...I just need to be there, regardless if I find the activity she's doing completely boring for me (i.e. reading a book, playing a single player computer game, etc.). And I don't mind spending more time with her...but it needs to be quality time, not just being present.
I know the counselor is working with her on an individual basis to resolve some of her other personal issues related to depression and her unresolved childhood issues that are a big contributing factor to this. Both my wife and I agree that joint sessions at this juncture will likely be more harmful than helpful. She needs to fix her issues, or at least be making significant progress in them, before we can work on ours. Right now, she has feelings for me, but she isn't sure what they are, exactly. She has to be able to define those first before we can move forward. If she doesn't love me, then marriage counseling won't work. If she does, then we can start to work on our problems. Until she sorts that out, though I'm just going to be in the way. The next joint session will be in about a month, so maybe by then she will have made some significant progress.
I remain hopeful, but I do hope we can get to a good compromise point. I don't mind spending more time with her, but she needs to be realistic that I can't spend every waking moment with her and only doing things that she wants to do. I'm hoping that the counselor can help find a way for me to articulate that to her without making her feel like I'm just blowing her concerns off. It's more promising than it's been, so I am still cautiously optomistic.