i screwed up!! 

I am so stupid!! I haven't been talking to him. I don't call and I don't text him. Today I was telling his mother I didn't have enough money to pay my bills. She decided to call him and tell him. He cussed herout and sent me a nasty text telling me I would get nothing from him. I lost it. I called him and told him what a piece of shit he is. As I'm going off on him his second text comes through apologizing for the first. Damn! Although his apologies don't mean anyhting to me anymore I had just set myself up to be hurt and to not get any money. He told me the usual. He never loved me, he wishes I would die, he is gonna take my kids from me. He said he is clean now because he doesn't have to live a lie anymore. I'm so sorry he was so miserable with someone that loved him and stood by him through horrible thing he did. I KNEW what would happen if I called him! I just couldn't take it anymore! I had to tell him how awful he is. I ahve been hearing from different people about his drug abuse in the recent past. In my anger I called him a crackhead. He said I just fucked my children because he wouldn't give me another dime until I gave him names of every person that told me he was a user. I'm cryng my eyes out by this time. I tried to get him to see that he was just hurting his kids by doing that. He jsut kept telling me over and over that I was doing it to the kids. He said he is going to pick the kids up and never bring them back. He can do that right now because no papers have been filed. Now how am I supposed to go to class tonight. My oldest daughter babysits while I'm in class. Why am I so stupid!?!? I let him get to me. I let him see me hurting over him. God I just want him to go away and never come back. He's not a good father. They would be better off without him yet I always make sure they call him everyday. I encourage my oldest daughter to speak to him because she refuses to. But I'm the bad person. I'm the reason his kids think badly of him. So now my mother is helping me pay my lawyer instead of my bills like we originally planned. I have to do that so he can't take my kids away. Next time I think I hsould call him for whatever reason I'm gonna come here so you guys can slap some sense into me!!!!