I am not even sure how we got to this new point in the relationship and I'm having second thoughts and self-doubt along with the magical hope that there is a silver lining to all of this, so I've just got to get a few things down before I am consumed by the thoughts.
I got into an argument with my husband a couple of weekends ago that was fueled by one too many drinks that allowed my feelings to flow a little too freely and I ended up saying some things that really hurt him. My frustration of his avoidance just hit the boiling point and I let go when I shouldn't have thanks in part to Raspberry Vodka and Diet Coke. Now, I take full responsibility for this and I'm not blaming it on the 3 drinks I did have, though the liquor did leave me vulnerable to fall into my old tricks of trying to push him to talk to me when he didn't want to, which then in turn, upset me more until all the hurt and pain were spoken.
Do I regret it? Yes and no. I regret hurting his feelings as much as I did, but I don't regret being honest with him and telling him some of the things I did. I wasn't the smartest, I admit it, and while I regret that I got as upset with him as I did, I am now wondering if that bitch/rant session was the beginning of something that finally broke through a wall of his.
I spoke to him the next day regarding something menial, as I was at work and just wanted to check to see if a task I said I would do still needed to be done or if he did it already. He asked me if that was all I needed. I said yes. Then he proceeded to make a comment that left me speechless and very hurt.
"So, are you calmed down yet?"
I was honest and said, "well, I was until you just asked me that. I've been at work for 4 hours dealing with the public and I haven't shot anybody or gotten fired, so of course I calmed down. That kind of hurt that you would say that, especially when I hadn't raised my voice to you yet, was calm and civil to you when I called."
He apologized for making me upset by making the comment. We ended up finishing the call with no more rude comments by either of us and I sent him a text a few minutes later because it bothered me quite a bit. I don't have the text saved, but I know I said that I was sorry for getting so angry the night before, though I wanted to say it face to face to him and not over the phone or via text. I also said that if the comment he made was to fish for an apology, it really hurt but I did deserve some hard feelings from him by my actions/words the previous night. I reiterated that I wanted to apologize and talk about it face to face though we didn't have time to do that until after I got home from work (he was still asleep when I left for work that morning).
That evening he admitted that he said it to fish for an apology and was hurt that I was basically acting like nothing happened the previous night and wanted to call and talk about something menial when I called him while I was on lunch. We tried to talk about it, but he was so hurt from my actions and words from the previous night that all I could really do was let him vent, which I did, and only made comments when I felt it was absolutely necessary.
I took a few things he said and thought about them the next day and that evening I came back to him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to start any arguments or anything, but you made a few comments last night that really had me thinking and I'd like to respond to them if you don't mind."
I had spent the entire day trying to come up with a way to discuss these things he said in a way that he could understand - more "logical" than "emotional" - and a few of the points were just really important to me as well as to him, so I really wanted to try to come to some sort of understanding between us on these things.
He had made a comment/question about how I seem to think the only thing left to do in our situation is either divorce or change him. Good point and I admit that one - I don't like to admit it, but if I can't live with his anger, I want him to change - so I tried to think of a way to explain it without bringing emotions into the mix and not talk about my feelings about it. I told him honestly and point blank, yes, I think the only way for our marriage to survive and grow stronger and healthy is for him to change his anger. I told him that our marriage was broken long ago and then I changed myself when I began seeing my counselor and going on anti-depressants (and I mean that was real change, not just something that was said out of spite or martyrdom by any means), but by me changing, our marriage seemed to have gotten worse instead of better, so logically, what other option was there but to change him?
He actually agreed with my statement and said that was a good point.
He also made a comment about how my actions don't agree with my words, as far as wanting our marriage to actually work yet I filed for divorce, so I found a way of explaining that one, not to excuse my actions, but to help him see the other side of that argument...from my side. I told him that we both see different things in our relationship and we have not been good at speaking about what really matters to each of us, so what he feels is justifiable as saying he doesn't believe me because my actions speak differently, I could say the same thing about him and I even had before. I told him that as an example only, my wedding ring was/still is sitting on his desk needing to be fixed, yet instead of allowing me to spend our money on fixing that, he went and bought a brand new subwoofer for his truck and then it was spending money on other things like the basement. When I brought it up previously, he mentioned that he was wanting to fix it for Mother's Day, so I told him that his actions showed me differently and that even if he didn't get to get the ring done as a surprise for Mother's Day, it hadn't been done since then. I also didn't get a birthday card or a Mother's Day card this year, so even if it wasn't the ring, his actions were showing me that he must not have really wanted to try to save this marriage or really think very highly of me of his wife, even though he professed that to me in words and sex.
Again, he said he agreed with what I said and understood my point.
Well, a few other things were said that night, and it was actually a very good conversation even though nothing was resolved, so to speak. We were both calm and respectful to each other throughout the conversation and he seemed more open to actually listening to what I had to say than I have seen in a very long time. The next few days went by with nothing spectacular, but we did still talk and we discussed his anger a couple of times when it came to the kids (no, nothing serious, by the way for those of you that have read my story and know what I've been through...there was nothing that was close to what I would actually say was abuse - verbally or physically).
This past Friday night he brought it to my attention that he put his wedding ring back on...
I don't know what it all means yet, as we haven't had the chance to really talk about it yet, but from what little he has said, he really does want this marriage to work and he wants to stop his anger from running his life. He wants to change...
Now, I'm not totally jumping up for joy just yet, because of a few reasons, but I do at least want to hear him out. I don't want to be manipulated, so I want to really listen to him and what he says, because I don't want to regret getting a divorce in the end. If he really wants to change, not for me or to keep me around, but for himself and give himself a chance to really grow up and be a great man, then I don't want to live with that regret if I don't listen to him. If it isn't what he really wants to do, then if I really listen to him, I will know without a doubt that I am on the right track to go through with the divorce.
I'll keep everyone posted and for those that think they might want to wring my neck or smack reality into my head, go ahead because I want to keep grounded during this, and I won't get bothered or upset. I actually talked to my mother about this yesterday and she was nice, yet reminded me how she wanted to just take a nerf bat and beat some sense into me over the phone. I know it does come from her being my mother and worrying about me, but I also reassured her that I'm not calling the courthouse today to stop the process, so this is cautious baby steps to see where the next turn in this drama is going.
Sure, I have hope that we can make it through this...I have hope that he's not really NPD with no chance for change, but that he has some of the personality traits and actually wants to change them...I have hope that he wants to change for himself...
I believe in reality and if it just doesn't sit right with me and if he's not willing to really do the hard work it's going to take, then I know I'll be moving forward. He will tell me if I really listen to him for once...
But I still have hope...