- Could inferiority and acquiesence have trained you for a lifetime of relationship misery?
In a year-old issue of ELLE, I came across a rather interesting and pertinent topic. Gaslighting. According to therapist Robin Stern, gaslighting is different from sheer manipulation, which is just about getting someone to do something. The word GASLIGHT literally means "to question one's sanity. "Gaslighters' sense of themselves," explains Stern, "depends on having to be right, to control the moment."
In her book, The Gaslight Effect (Broadway Books), Stern details how relationships often deteriorate because one person becomes (or always was) a gaslighter, constantly belittling or demeaning the other person.
Who winds up being the victim of gaslighters most often? Women.
Surprise, surprise.
Stern's elaboration of this phenomenon was one of the most interesting (yet kind of pathetic, though true) parts of the Interview (written by ELLE writer Ben Dickinson):
Stern: "I think women were schooled in a way that left us vulnerable--that we should second-guess ourselves, that being nice means acquiescence, and that being a good listener means putting yourself in another person's shoes. Pretty soon, you 'understand' why he needs to scream and yell at you, and you forgive him rather than opt out of the relationship."
Sound familiar? It does to me. If you have never been a gaslighter's victim then you probably know someone who is/was, or you're just in denial.
The way out? According to Stern, a qualified therapist, the victims of gaslighters aren't totally without responsibility. They aren't asking to be hurt, per se, but they are willing to give something up in order to stay connected.
We all know the type: the needy woman willing to stay with an overbearing and controlling man for god-knows-what reason. The important thing to do is indentify that reason, as well as the problem (for BOTH of you - what makes him/her the gaslighter, and what makes you the doormat) and move from there.
Or of course you could just head for the hills.
Whatever works.