As I sit here in front of my computer again my thoughts are everywhere. On the post I answered this morning, the workout the horses just had, what a jerk the lazy slug Zee is about his grazing muzzle, how good Joe worked this morning.
But the thought that is most pressing on my thoughts is fear. I have let fear keep me from doing things I knew I should. I stayed in my marriage way too long. Some of it my fault; most of it his. I would listen to his words because for a long time that was all I had. His words said I was doing a great job on holding everything together. That he loved me and was trying to get back home. Hold on; the next job would be in the states. So I believed him because I wanted to believe. Because I loved him so much. But then I found the letter to Houston: "As usual I prefer to never work in the states". O K where did that leave me?
It was hard to look at his actions because he wasn't home much. But from being on here I now know I missed some major clues that he no longer wanted to be with me. But he didn't want a divorce. I pushed my fear aside and really started looking around at his actions. Then I found the marriage license to the cute little Chinese girl. I was mad as hell at his lack of ability to stand up and be truthful. O K where did that leave me?
But still I let fear keep me in my marriage. I hadn't worked in years. He made too much money for me to work. How would I live. I loved the farm I was making out of the woods. How could I live without my boys in my life. They were all I had. And he didn't want a divorce.
When I finally made the decision to leave my marriage I was still afraid I wouldn't be able to keep my farm, my boys, or take care of myself. I knew I couldn't ask my girls for help. I would have to put the old horse down. No one would want him. He was to old to be useful. I know that all sounds so trivial; they are only horses. But they had been in my life for many years and had become the only family I had left at home.
Everyone said stay and take the money. He's gone all the time anyway. You can meet someone else and he will never know. Well I couldn't do that either. Unlike my ex I believed in my marriage vows. That would be cheating and that wasn't my way. So I put the fear aside and got my divorce.
I still let the fear get the best of me for a moment. But only for a moment. I pull from my past to get rid of the fear. I was 17 working in a bar on weekends. Watching adults get drunk and fight. Fear of being alone. I got over that in a trailer park in Morgan City La. My first husband worked the off shore oil fields. 7 days on ; 7 off. I was 22 at the time. I had my own bar at 24. Fearful I would have to break up a fight. I pushed my fear aside to break up those fights because that bar paid my bills and fed me and my daughter. I started this farm by myself fearful I would make a mistake and disappoint my husband. I'm not afraid anymore about the farm. It is good and thriving under my care.
So I push the fear aside and tell it to go away. I have made over a year on my alimony and I am still here. My bills are paid, the equipment is serviced, the horses are worked, fed and happy. I no longer have to allow for my ex to take $400.00 out of our budget for his monthly beer. My alimony doesn't pay for any alcohol. I don't drink.
Everytime I let fear creep into my thoughts I remember what I have accomplished and push it away. It doesn't come into my thoughts often anymore. I don't let fear keep me frozen from having a life. My life is good and getting better. No more fear to keep me from moving forward and leaving the past behind.