So, this doesn't have anything to do with my impending divorce...
Well, it does to an extent, but more importantly, this is one of the painful memories of my life that has made me who I am today, and a memory that will impact me for probably the rest of my life.
My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship that has been as dysfunctional as anyone could imagine, so there are many, many, many more journals I could write to put into words the absolute highs and lows of my relationship with her, but I will probably stick to this one more recent event because it does tie into my marriage and divorce.
My mom and I were on speaking terms when I first met my STBX, though it was fairly strained, and she was a little leery of me getting married but said that if it made me happy, then she was happy. She tried to talk me into going to Vegas for a quick elope, but we wanted the church wedding like most girls fantasize about. I wasn't too hip on the idea of the Vegas option coming from my mom, as she got married in Vegas to my dad, and to me, it just seemed like an omen that I didn't want to chance, as they got divorced (no, the superstition didn't play a real part in it, but it was a passing thought at the time).
My mom thought I should be alone and have no boyfriends for a while, as I was still reeling from a bad breakup about 8 months previous to meeting my STBX, and yet, she would mention to me that having kids at a young age was probably a good idea, especially with our family history. It was kind of mixed messages...don't get married or have any boyfriends, but have kids soon because family history says you will probably start going through menopause at the age of 30 or so.
It didn't make sense to me and I blew it off in some ways because my mom has her issues and I had been on my own for a while and was ready to be in a relationship, especially with someone that swept me off my feet like my STBX did.
So, when it came time for wedding plans, she refused to come to my wedding if her mother (my grandmother) would be attending. In the end, my mom didn't come to my wedding, though she came to visit me in 1999 when I got my GED, and then I didn't see her again until shortly after my son was born in 2002, which was to be the last time I would see her again, though I never thought it would end that way.
My mom didn't like how my STBX "controlled" me in her opinion, including answering the/my phone and trying to talk to her while I was enroute to speak to her. She didn't like how, if she called and I was asleep, that he would tell her I was asleep but he would relay the message to me and have me call back. She didn't like that he offered to help fix her glasses that were broke (though I could see her point to an extent as he made the situation worse by accident, but she was offended that he would even offer to help because he had no business doing that). She got offended that he called his buddy up to come over and help him take the dresser my mom brought up for me out of her truck and put it in the house ("how dare he think I can't do it with you? Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I can't do a damn thing! I got it in the truck, so I can't believe that he could be so belittling as to think I need help now!"). She thought he was condescending (he can be at times, and I will grant her that he didn't speak to me or her very well at times, making it seem like neither of us really did know what we were talking about), arrogant, and simply put...a real jerk. She was disgusted that he would walk around the house with his shirt off (even if he was going to the laundry area to get a clean shirt) and how he got frustrated with her regarding trying to talk to her about computers.
I spoke to him after each incident, explaining what my mother didn't like and what she wanted to see done differently, along with defending my STBX on some issues that she just seemed to take to the extreme (like being offended by his genuine trying to be nice by offering to have his friend help move the dresser). I was playing middle man as best as I could, but my STBX was getting increasingly frustrated that when he was trying to be nice, it was construed as being controlling and manipulative (such as answering my phone and telling my mom that I would call back if I was asleep).
So, the last time she visited me, after making sure to tell me that I better not even THINK of coming to visit/having her visit and asking her to babysit our child, because she wasn't a grandmother to just be asked to babysit (this of course was said because I asked her to hold our 2 month old son while I went to the restroom, instead of putting him on the floor/in the crib/in the swing), she decided to explain why she slept in her truck in our driveway the previous night. She at first said it was because her 2 dogs were barking and she wanted to calm them down, but since my STBX had left for work at that point, she felt it was time to come clean to me on her real reason for sleeping in her truck.
She said that the previous night, after my STBX took a shower, he opened the door to the bathroom and she walked by as he was drying himself off. When they both noticed each other, he smiled and she looked away, totally disgusted. She thought he smiled to be cruel and psychotic and just found it utterly disgusting...
Enough so, she truly thought my STBX would get up in the middle of the night and rape her, so she went to her truck so he couldn't rape her. I cried and cried, telling her it was probably a simple misunderstanding and that he would NEVER rape someone, especially my own mother.
I still hold this conviction with me to this day...even with physical abuse he has dealt, there is something about him and rape that I just cannot see. Maybe it's just magical thinking, but my core says he wouldn't do that, especially in this situation.
She was so terrified that he would rape her because he "flashed" her purposely and then smugly smiled. That was the way she saw it and as I tried to explain that I didn't think it happened that way, she just could not see it any other way and was furious for me defending him.
My "defending" him was to say that we normally don't have people stay over and since our bathroom doesn't have an exhaust fan, he normally opens the door after a shower to help vent the moisture out and since it's just him and I, he probably forgot she was even in the house and just went about his normal routine and started drying off with the door open. As far as the smile was concerned, I knew my STBX well enough by that point that I said he was probably embarrassed enough that instead of creating a huge issue, he embarrassedly smiled - you know, that stupid awkward and embarrassed "hand in the cookie jar" smile - and she did say that he shut the door after she walked away.
She was convinced that he was some pervert and out to get her...
I couldn't convince her otherwise...
I ended up screaming at her (yeah, post partum and dealing with a paranoid mother who hated the spouse AND the child that looked like the spouse) and she left, making sure to let me know how childish I was being and how irrational I was for getting that upset.
Later she called me and said that she would not be back to visit unless it was to see strictly me and if we came down as a family to see her, he was NOT allowed to even know where her house was, let alone to step foot into it.
I called and told my STBX what happened, as I was hysterical by that point, and he was very upset, because he even told me his version (without my prompting or even telling him what I said to defend him) that was exactly what I had figured was the case. He said he wanted to hear it from my mother as to exactly what she was upset with, especially since I was hysterical and there is always a possibility of not relaying information totally correctly. Let alone, she was the one with a problem specifically with him and I had played middle man long enough...it was time she told him what was wrong.
I called her back and relayed the request to her from my STBX. She flat out refused and also said that she would refuse any letter of apology from my STBX, which he offered to do even though he didn't want to do it because he didn't know "from the horse's mouth" what the problem was, if nothing else, to try to stop the battle.
Phone calls got less and less from her...letters stopped coming from her...and finally, on Christmas morning (just after midnight) 2002, she told me to lie to my STBX and get a post office box that he did not know about and then, and only then, would she write me letters. She wouldn't call me unless she knew he wasn't around and I was forbidden to even say his name in a conversation or she would hang up on me.
That was my final straw and told her that while "blood is blood", if I had to choose between my blood family and the family I created, then I would choose the family I created. If my STBX was controlling, then I did not think it was fair that she was trying to control me even more, simply because she has her boundaries, which I was to not cross if I wanted a relationship with her.
So sad to me that I basically lost my mother over that incident with my STBX...and I would/do STILL stand by my convictions of it being a misunderstanding and her paranoia problems that would never have led to rape or her being hurt.