I passed out last night pretty late. When I say pass out I mean from exhaustion. I did hear from him wanting to know why (in total honesty) I said those things. I told him and I was honest about this mess, this divorce and my feelings. I told him I knew we lost him when he left but that didnt mean I loved him any less. I dont, but I will give him what he needs I sapose. I dont want to fight....hell there are alot of things going on now that I dont want. we talked aka texted back & forth till I fell asleep. He knows this isnt what he wants. He says he felt like I was trying to sabotage it but I wasnt, I wanted to deal with all of it so we could move past it. I didnt want no suprises later on after we were back on track to mess up what we were working for.
But him leaving us messes it all up. I start to rebuild some trust and he freezes up. He has never been one for conflict. Avoid that at all costs. I wish he had enough faith in my love to fight me when he thought I was wrong, and still know nomatter how pissed off I was, I would still love him. I dont believe in walking away because something seems hard. I am smart enough to know marriage isn't always easy but you shouldnt strain yourself either. Everything in life needs attention from time to time. Dosn't mean it is useless. At least, not to me. THats like selling your house be cause you got a drafty window. Hell, get a new window....keep your home. I did get a fewe more texts this morning on his way to work. I dont know what to say! I love him and I know he loves me. But I cant hide and I cant beg for his love either. I thought this was worth a fight to keep but he dont like to fight. I cant do it myself. That causes more problems and resolves none of the old ones. He even says this sint what he wants and he is wrong but...... oh well. Maybe there will be more answers later. I need them for closure either way.
I called the doc today. I am ready for that anti-depressant and it helps to curb the urge to smoke as well. That will be good. I went from 1 -1&half pks of Marlboro lights a day to 3-4 pks of Marlboro reds a day. It is getting out of hand and very expensive. I tried to quit before and it didnt work out too well. Maybe now I can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
I need to quit and I also need to make alot of changes for me. I lost all that weight and I want to loose the rest. All those new clothes I bought though no longer fit to well and are getting pretty baggy. I need a job. I know I will be ok with the kids as I have done that before and all was well.
They miss him as much as I do. They just show it differently. Z is putting on a good bit of weight in a short time. S is very clingy and whinning alot too these days. R is a holy terror but none of them ask for him and I havent seen a single tear. They just pretend business as usual. Z has been opening up and talking though a little more about him. She does say he ws a good dad untill all this. She also uses her hurt and anger as a shield I think. R has been throwing some tantrums and I noticed he has been getting alot of corner time or spanks. Very defiant. S is just up my butt. Always been a mamas girl but now I am tripping over that umbilical cord I thought they cut. She is always by my side unless a friend comes over then it is "mommy who?" lol
Oh well, I am taking the monsters outside to play before it rains. Take care all & have a good afternoon