I got my usual 4 hours of sleep last night and I am wishing I gotten so much more. 2 am this morning I did it, broke donw and cried like a baby. The wole time begging god just to make me stop loving him. Thats what I want. I dont want to love him no more. I dont want to miss him, think about him or care for him. I want to shut down and pretend, like he does. I want to hide from the hurt he has caused, just like he does.
I thought I was spending my life on some one who wanted it and thought it was as special as I did. But I was wrong. I honestly took the "till death, us do part" thing to heart and thought only that would be what came between our lives. I was so wrong on so many perceptions of our marriage.
I thought we would weather the storm and come out stronger than ever and I guess we will but I thougth it would be "US" stronger together and it would be our relationship. And here we are, I am packing and he is hiding again. I hate to see the person he has become. It is not the real him. The lies, the manipulations and the sneakiness and that is how he looks at me. Yet I haven't done a friggin thing wrong to look that way except I lost his love and respect. Thinking back to a pst question I posted, I know what my weakness was. My weakness is him. My love of and for him is by biggest weakness. The way he makes me feel and the person he makes me want to be with or with out him in my life. He is my greatest weakness and now I have to find some strenght to watch him ruin it all. My love, my respect and my family and our home. He will give it all to another woman. All of the love and the life we shared together. Just replace one with another.
He will never face any of this as he does not want to be alone. He always has to have a womans love. If he stays he will be rejected by another woman, his mother but if he goes he can have a string of woman and maybe find one to settle with and still retain his mothers affections. That is how it is played out. So far momy hasn't shown any interest in any of the women that have taken his time and affections away from her. She couldnt bother to see I loved and cared for him and made him happy. She just made things hard for him and hurt him to take that away and he bought in to it.
I relly did enjoy my marriage and I was pretty rpoud of it untill these last few months. I loved him with an open heart for the good times and the bad. And the only bad memories I am seeing is these last few months. Even looking through old pictures that he wanted me to send him.....shows the good times and the love we shared as a family. You could see us through the children as that love spilled over on to them and they thrived on it. Why would he want those? Pictures of the family he didnt want and walk away from. The proof of the love and happiness and the pictures go clear up to the time he left and came back. They were not years old. They were recent, smiling faces and mending hearts but that affection and love was very evident in every moment captured. Thats what I dont understand. He had all he wanted with us. The security of unconditional love, the family and the respect as a father and a husband as well as a man and head of the house. Clean clothes and a hot meal and a family that adored him with all they had.
He wasted the love I offered to him. Took was he needed and left the rest to sit there and rot.
Some day he may regret that. But I already do now.