I just started reading Susan Anderson's The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. She breaks abandonment down into 5 stages:
- Shattering
- Withdrawal
- Internalizing
- Rage
- Lifting
These are not necessarily linear, you can cycle through all of them intermmitantly, she calls it "swirling". Yep, doing that!
It's interesting, the little I have read so far is describing my recent feelings in this break up perfectly. I don't know if it's comforting to know that what I am going through is not unique or if I somehow want to be "special" in my level of pain and despair.
One thing that really resonated was the description of the abandoner:
"Abandoners come in every possible size, shape, shade, age, gender and disposition. It is often difficult to tell who is or isn't capable of being emotionally responsible - who is worthy of trust and who is an abandoner.
...
Even rhose who are not motivated by this need [to demonstrate power] might experience a heightened sense of self-importance when the one they leave behind seems so desperate to have them back. In the light of the other person's pain, these folks usually don't admit to feelings of triumph. Instead, they air more humble feelings, like the guilt they feel over having caused you pain. They are usually easily distracted from this guilt as they get caught up in their new lives with greater gusto than before."
She goes on to talk about how some abandoners bypass any guilt by remaining oblivious to any effect they have on other people and how it allows them to maintain an image of themselves as good, caring people, but also allows them to behave cruely to the one that they left behind.
It describes my situation perfectly and the way he treated me at the end. It is hard not to photocopy it and send it to him, but I figure if I still want to by the time I finish the book, I can make that decision then.
In the meantime, everything she is describing so far is me. I am just hoping it has a happy ending!