I Want my Mommy and Daddy.... 

I'm so sad and so tired tonight.  And although I'm a grown woman, I want my mommy and daddy.  That safe place you felt as a kid when there were no worries, and your main concern was what cereal you wanted to eat tomorrow, and what cartoon to watch Saturday morning.  I'm tired of being the good guy.  I'm tired of having a bag full of chances ready on my hip while my ego stays bruised.  The day after I buried my father, he asked me why wasn't I giving him enough sex.  What is that??? Who does that??? I'm so tired of feeling like real love doesn't exist anymore.  I'm tired of feeling like my marriage is just an arrangement with a roommate.  No, I'm not beaten, I'm not abused.  But I am made to feel guilty about any attempt to stand up for myself, or question anything he does for the most part.  I'm made to feel bad about not running every little thing I do by him without a good explanation. I'm supposed to accept that when he chose to live his life without his family as a priority, going out, hanging with friends, not wanting to do even the littlest of things with me, I'm supposed to understand that this time he really gets it.  This time he really wants to change.  "I'll keep doing things until you change your mind." he says.  That's his normal tactic.  Keep pressuring until you get so tired you give in... I'm good for that and he knows it.  I told him not this time. But I'm still so tired of all of this.  I wish I could just fast forward. Get it all done and overwith. Tell him I want the divorce and there's nothing you can do about it. (He's not back in town yet) Have you ever just been sick and tired of being sick and tired?