I have settled into this calm almost numb feeling in regaurds to my husband and marriage. I can do a lot more now with out crying but I still fear bumping into him but I am sure that day will come and I hope to be in a better place emotionaly by then.
I still have my memories and they make me smile and then cry but thats life. At least I know what I felt for him and it proves I held up my end of the bargain. I lived as his wife, cared for his children, turned his house into a home and I loved him no matter what he did or said. How many other women in his life could say that? But he chose to throw that awa and he will always have those same issues through out his life and any other relationships he tries to carry out in the future. Only because he faild to fix a problem. That problem was not just his family but also his need for acceptance in thier lives and hearts. The only unconditional love he has recieved has been from us people he walked away from and yes, he does love us but he is ashamed of that little tid bit because of how they feel and how he fears. No one wants to have thier own parents love them "only if" no one ever wants to fail thier parents so instead of failing his family, he failed his very own. Both times as a result. But he can still be in mommys heart for it.
My mom wants me to get mad at him and hate him. That would be nice at times when the pain get back into my heart but I cant and I wont. Oh, I wont waste my life wishing and praying for him to realize all of this. But I will bite my tongue and I will move on. How ever, if provoked all hell will let loose as I will unleash a shit storm nasty enough to make the devil himself proud.
But I do not want to live my life in pain or bitterness. Yes I love the idiot and to prove it I gave him what he wanted and that ws not me. Again you see the unconditional in there even if you are blind. I should only have to do so much to prove that love before it is returned. What more could I possibly give up for it? Nothing as I have already given everything else up. I will rebuild my little family and we will be good. Maybe some day I will re marry and maybe I wont. I dont know what the future holds but I will take it as it comes and not stress and let my hurt and bitterness ruin any happiness I may find there.
Have a good afternoon all ***huggs****