Ok, dont know why thats been going in my mind. I dont even know the words to that song but I did always like it.
I am reading blogs, and questions through and I am seeing alot of me in all of you and some of s2bxh in a few as well. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!! LOL But we all have a few common emotions, questions and fears. Hurt, anger fear, confusion and insecurities. How could 1 person in each of our lives make us feel all this crap? Some of us took 1 year with that person to feel that way and others had 25 or more years for that to kick in? None of us are perfect but all of us feeling the same sadness in different situations shows we are all good people and tried to be good spouses in our own ways. We may have made mistakes and asked forgiveness or we were wronged and wanted to forgive. But we all loved and wanted that love in return. Did we give our all in our marriages? What are some of the things we would have done differently if given the chance? Even with the pain, anger and bitterness some still feel a small scrap of love or even pitty for the former love we shared. We remember the good times with a bittersweet smile and maybe a stray tear. But the hurt and anger resulting from the bad memories kill that smile fast. Seems you can't have the good with out the bad.
I am currently flip flopping with my emotions. Love, anger, hate, bitterness, fear, and nothing. I dont know if the nothing should make me happy or scare me. I know I tried to do everything that needed to be done from the time I said "I DO" untill now. I dont know what I should do now. I havent the smallest clue. So much involved, it is overwhelming. I still want to run away and start over. A big emotion now is shame. I didnt cheat or live a lavish lifestyle by any means. I was never a cold or distant wife. I sent little love notes to him and encouraged him when he had doubts on things. I praised him and was proud to be his wife. Now I am ashamed of this whole mess. Everyone knows I am not a good woman or wife as my husband is gone. I was not good enough to make him happy or keep him here with us. He used to be here and do things with us and now he has his blood and likes to hit a bar pretty often. Has a new friend. She is younger and has a better paycheck than me but she isn't very pretty, has a big ass and seems very immature. And that ass comment was not being catty either. She is 6 inches shorter than me and still weighs a little more than me and it shows. Imagine a WEEBLE with bleached up hair. But his mom approves so she will replace me soon. I know him, he wont want to be alone. But it was his doing. He left us, not the other way around. I was always here and I loved unconditionaly. Maybe thats why it was easy for him. He knew I would still have some love for him even though he hurt me. But I can't respect him. I now avoid him as he did me. He don't mind being around me this time but I want nothing of him now. I couldnt have his respect why would I want to sit in the same room and watch the 11 pm news before I go to bed and he crashes on the couch? He checks caller id and thinks of what I am upto and yet he has his life seperated from mine. I am doing nothing but he likes to think I am. Eases his mind, makes him look at me a little more as a monster.
I am good though. I know when the tears dry up and all the divorce dust is settled, I will come out on top. I have a wonderfull family support system that loves me even in my failings in life. 3 Healthy, happy and beautiful children. A few friends that are as twisted as me but always there when needed. Good or bad. BUT most of all, I still have SOME dignity. I know I played the fool and cried and blubbered and some say I am a bad person. But who I am shows in how I love my kids and how I loved my husband. It shows in how I forgave and worked harder to save our marriage. It shows in how people that dont know me can easily strike up a simple conversation and it shows in how I will hold my head up no matter how bad I feel. I know I gave one thousand percent and I am not the one who failed even though I feel I did at times. My heart will get on the same page as my brain eventualy. Now it is my turn to shut down where my marriage is concerned. That will be closed of from my heart. I will be a cold and un feeling person that he has become everytime he came home from a visit with mommy. And I will have my self respect back in time.