Today is one month since my husband moved in with his friends. This past week has shown SOME improvement in the way we act towards one another. For instance, we have been speaking more and communicating more. It still hurts that he has not mentioned moving back home. He has said numerous times that it is nice that we are not fighting and getting along better. Also, he has been kissing me on the lips and hugging me. This is kind of confusing for me because 2 weeks ago he said he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. At that time I did wonder and still do if his feelings for me could be blurred by the fighting. This remains to be seen, I am hoping that therapy will help with that. He has his first appointment on Tuesday and I am nervous. Can't help but wonder what the therapist will tell him. I keep imagining him saying, "Leave her, move on".
I am trying very hard to not pick on small things or accuse him of going out after he leaves here. Every night he calls me before he goes to sleep and that is usually around 11:00. On a work night he doesn't usually go out that late. Of course I can't help but think the worst. I am keeping it to myself. Last night when he was In Atlantic City he didn't call to say good night to our daughter. Every night for this past month he has called to do that even when I asked for some space to heal. So today instead of arguing I said I didnt want to bother you last night but why didnt you call, the baby was asking for you. No fight! He gave me his reason which I understood (reasons that would take a whole page to explain but has no effect on our marriage but his friends' marriages). He did text me at 11:45 to let me know his company would not yet be going on strike.
I am trying not to read into every little thing. I am also trying to enjoy my time away from him and to examine my own issues and feelings. I actually felt good today and to be honest would have been quite content if he didn't stop by for a half an hour. Our daughter cried when he left and I starteed to cry until I noticed that he was coming back in. He felt bad too. After leaving he called again to make sure I wasn't hungry because he was going to get dinner for himself. I thought that was nice but I refused and was glad I did because he would have gotten me something and then have to come back to drop it off which would set the whole emotion thing up again. I wanted him to stay but I didn't offer because I didn't want to hear the infamous lets take it slow and things have been going nice. I want him to want to come home, on his own and because he is ready to work hard at our marriage. At the same time I am frustrated- I am sure very normal. Right? LOL
I am not looking forward to next weekend when he goes out with his degenerate friends to a trashy bar that I wish would just blow up. Sorry, I know that wasn't nice! I wish he would ask me to go, include me so I stop thinking the worst. We met in a club so I know he is aware that we can get along just fine being in a place like that even as a couple. So far we haven't spent much quality time together but I am hopeful. I asked him to be available on Monday and Wednesday night to spend time with our daughter while I get some much needed work done for MADD and the new school year. I am also going to a comedy night with my friends on Wednesday and he said maybe he would stay over if I got home late. I said no problem. I wonder if he wants to come home or is he afraid. Maybe he is just enjoying not having responsibilities which is why I am going to make sure I start giving him every other day with our daughter because while he is enjoying himself I am getting burnt out because I don't have anyone to share any of the work with.
Thanks for listening and have a wonderful week!