So, I've commented on a few posts within the last few days and all of a sudden the ramifications of that are hitting me...

Memories of by-gone eras flooding to the surface, threatening to drown my normal composure into a deep abyss of darkness and cold.

I think I am strong enough to fight that downing sensation, but I really had some memories and pains come to the surface by my commenting on some posts that just seemed to hit home to me on so many levels.

I know that most people that know my life and know me personally will say that I have been through Hell and back in my young 30 years on this Earth, and at times I really feel that way, then again, I see that some others have been even further into Hell that I ever was.

My family growing up was dysfunctional with a very abusive mother, a father that seemed so innocent and quiet who actually was abusive in his own right, younger siblings who preyed upon my mother's vision of me being the worst child on Earth and exploited me to allow my mom to abuse me severely by the time I moved away from home and state at 17 years old.

I had a wild child/rebel attitude by the time I got into late Junior High and High School, creating some very unpleasant memories and things I do regret. I was an outcast no matter how much I tried to be a good kid, and for the most part, I really was a good kid. Yes, I did drink once underage (and even came home that night - my friends dropped me off 2 blocks from home so they didn't have to get into trouble with my mom) and tried some illegal things when I was a Junior/Senior in High School. Yes, I had the beginnings of a reputation for being a slut, but then again, I was invited to "Pig Parties" and my first 2 dates I was stood up by the same guy.

My brother has disowned me and professes to the world that he only has 1 sister, which is our younger sister, and does not even seem to care that he has a nephew and niece, in addition to his older sister (me). My sister is a beauty bombshell with anorexia/bulimia but loves the attention and social status of her beauty and she still holds resentment towards me for the 1 time I told my mother about her going out drinking and driving when she was 16. She barely speaks to me and has never seen her nephew and niece.

When I was married, I invited over 20 people from my family - only 3 showed up: my father, my step-mother and 1 of my cousins. Even my own Matron of Honor canceled out of my wedding at the last minute (she was just a friend, not family).

I've been raped and had others attempt to rape me. I've had friends treat me absolutely cruelly to try to "teach me who my real friends are". I've been beaten up and even hit my own mother in reaction to one of her rages. My extended family has some deep and dark skeletons in their closet that never get discussed, but they are deeply religious on my father's side. My maternal side of the family were drunks and my maternal grandfather tried to beat up my mother one night while I witnessed it and was screaming at the top of my lungs.

I left it all behind one night in January 1996 - I hopped a Greyhound bus with my boyfriend at the time and moved from Lewisville, Texas to Lincoln, Nebraska where I had absolutely no family or friends. I had nobody anywhere close to Lincoln, but I hated my life so much that I threw all caution to the wind in one night and never went back.

My boyfriend moved out in the middle of the night when I was at work after a few months and I had to start from square one - my name wasn't even on the lease to the apartment because I was underage. I had no food and no money - living off of bread, mustard, ramen noodles and kool aid - yet I made too much to even get food stamps or any other assistance.

Right when I was thinking about moving back in with my mother in Texas, I met my stbx, and I've never looked back, until just recently with this community.

I've been through a lot - some horrors I don't even want to think about just yet - but the good times there were have always kept me from really going backwards. Even the physical abuse and verbal abuse within my marriage still plays a part in my past, as well as my future, but the more I speak about it instead of simply ignoring it or "compartmentalizing" it, the more I learn to let go of the pain (which I'm really not very good at, hence I've got a lot of unresolved issues and baggage that has contributed to my depression and unhealthy way of dealing with communication and relationships).

I guess with all this rambling, I just want to put some of the bad parts of my life down so they can be purged from my mind and heart.

So, please forgive my ramblings, for I finally want to let go of the pain I have held onto for so long...