How many of you got realy pissed off and went into your kids rooms and dumped out every drawer and toy box in a huge pile in the middle of the floor and just cleaned, sorted and organized?? I know several of the moms are saying "I DO THAT!!"
Well, thats pretty much where I am now. But, not in the kids rooms. It is in my marriage. It is almost as overwhelming and so much more daunting. But one way or another it must be done. The girls are still in the mountains with my parents so that is a little bit of relief. They don't see or hear anything going on. But the boy is a handfull at times but he will be ok.
We have had 2 more counseling sessions since I last been on here. We know there is love there and a lot of it but we are dealing with the whole why & what of it now. The strain it has put on certain aspects of our relationship. As well as where to go from here. So much has changed in the last few months and it is all new to both of us. He now has his family back into his life but his mom is not budging on the topic of me. She does NOT want me in her house and she will not even come here because I am here. But she wants to see the baby and hubby so they have to go there and I stay here. Her birthday party is on sunday. Although hubby and kids are more than welcome...... I am not. That was made well clear in a polite manner. I know when push comes to shove, I will loose again. They have already turned away from him for 3 years and he will not want that again. Even though it was nothing he had done..... just married me. I am the "whore that will ruin his life" and I am the "trash that keeps him away from his family" And I will always be that no matter what I say or do. I sapose in time he will think that way as well. We talk about this in therapy but nothing has changed in this aspect. I still tell him to go visit, remind him to return calls and answer texts. But I am still a horrible person. FUCK ME!! I even offerred to bake a dessert for a fucking party I am not even invited to. I wasn't even gonna put turbo lax in it either. But I am just not good enough.
We have took out a wall on the side of the house to put in a window (it turned out BEAUTIFUL) ALOT of work there. I got to smash out bricks... guess whos face I imagined was on them?? lol one of his friends. It was nice spending the day working together again. I just wish there was more I could do. I wish I could find a fucking job and help pay some bills and get school shopping out of the way. Yes, I am stressing and looking like a complete failure. I have never done that before. I always was right on top of school shopping. Save up a little cash or pay off a credit card and hit the mall to spend it out again. Never this tight though. When it was just me & the girls, I was waitressing and always had cash on hand. Paid off my car early, and the kids needed all new clothing pretty much with the wether differances between Ga and Pa. But I worked alot of hours though. This throws me off kilter. I have so much more responsibility and I am having a hard time keeping up. But the kids are cared for and they are healthy & happy. Just older and more expensive I guess.
oh well, I am gonna go lay in the sun and toast my ass a bit. Maybe I can think of something fun to do with the kids Sunday while hubby is at his moms party. Have a great day all. ****HUGGS*****