Dating after divorce
is challenging. Many women are wary about being vulnerable and are
fearful of repeating the same mistake in terms of choosing Mr. Wrong
again. The obvious concerns: men who won’t commit, shut down men,
mama’s boys, and control freaks, women should also be wary of
misogynists.
My men’s group has
met for 15 years. Midway through this period we realized one of our
members was a misogynist. We had known this fellow for several years
but he had kept his misogyny well hidden. He began exhibiting this
attitude about women after marrying. Prior to marrying he had moved
several women in and out of his home like musical chairs, and he
accomplished this feat with practiced swiftness.He always preyed on
women who were in distress, usually financial. That made it easy to
control them. He always threw them out in short order, complaining that
they wanted to marry and he didn’t. But then he married a woman I had
briefly dated. She was sweet, but had many unresolved issues which made
her appear emotionally needy. I saw her neediness as a signal to move
on, but this fellow saw it as a signal to pounce.He wooed her by
acting as if he would solve all her problems, but as soon as they
married he began to abuse her. It was mostly verbal in the beginning,
and it was relentless, demeaning, and frequently public.
His few
friends were appalled by his abusive behavior. He used this woman
entirely for his own needs and treated her like she existed solely to
satisfy them.
The tip-off to the
group occurred one evening at our meeting. He had a yacht and while he
knew his wife was very prone to seasickness, and that day had been a
particularly rough one on the ocean, he was furious and disappointed
she refused to go with him. He looked at the 7 other men and asked if
they didn’t agree with him that she was just a selfish, spoiled woman.
We were so shocked by his callousness that we remained silent for a
moment, but his selfishness and lack of concern for this sweet, sad
woman, hit me hard. I rose from my chair and stood over him and looking
him directly in his eyes I told him he was a cold, selfish, heartless
prick.
He asked the rest of
the men if they agreed with me and to a man, each said that at a
minimum he was a cold, selfish guy.
He quit the group after that
meeting and no one grieved the loss of a dysfunctional man who refused
to work through his issues.I ran into this
fellow at a restaurant a few days after his wife had finally suffered
enough abuse and had filed for divorce, but not before she had him
arrested for battery. He had merely grabbed her arm but she was so
furious about how he had treated her that she wanted some payback. I
knew about his arrest but didn’t say anything when we met. We ordered
drinks and the first thing he said to me was, “I can’t wait to get
married again.” All I could think about was how quickly I could finish
my drink and leave. He was a predator on the prowl again, looking for
his next victim and he wasn’t even conscious of how outrageous his
statement was. He was so hell bent on victimizing another woman and
satisfying his needs that even being tossed in jail didn’t seem to faze
him or slow him down.
So I would warn
women who are recently out in the dating world to be aware that there
are men whose sole purpose in being in a relationship is to satisfy
their need to abuse women and to use them selfishly and with complete
disregard for their well being. Asking the right questions can help.
For instance, when was his last relationship and how and why did it
end? How many relationships has he been in the past few years? What
does he think about women? The wrong answers or an unwillingness to
answer should send up a red flag. Evolved men don’t abuse women and
they don’t feel superior to them either.
Ken Solin