Troubled Doughts  

I can't understand how this has happened. I started out strong and knowing what I wanted. I have to get away from this man he is dragging me down. He says he knows we are getting a divorce but he wants to be friends. He has to have me in his life. He doesn't want to argue he wants to get along in everything.  I've hit a low spot and I feel myself caving in. I wont go back to him. It's my emotions, they are playing hell with me right now. I've cried all day and I'm not sleeping very good. I didn't get out and look for a job I just had a bad day and excepted it, and now I regret that. I get angry because I cant find a job. Then I get depressed because I let the stbx control my life all those years when I could have been out there getting some kind of training. I let a few things happen this weekend that I should have put my foot down, but didn't because it would have caused more trouble. I'm not a pushy person or a get in your face person I tend to let things guide me; if it's wrong I say something, but I don't push, and that might be where my biggest problem is. I'm not strong. I feel weak right now and I can't seem to make myself do what I need to do. How do I pick myself up? I hate it down here. I see what I want but I can't get there. I have one friend in town because the stbx didn't like me to have friends. So I have no help there. This weekend I basically told my mom and daughters to stay out of the divorce problems because all they wanted to do was argue and drink and expect me to clean up after them. No help in that department. I wonder were my life is going and I have no clue, and I'm scared to death of failing and not being able to make it. I have no one to turn to, then I think I don't need no one to turn to, but I can't get what I want or need. I'm so down right now and I can't get motivated. It's embarrassing, and confusing and depressing. I can't see how to make it better. I feel so lost and lonely and very hurt. I feel broken and the pieces are scattered.