Nearing the two month anniversary of my wife leaving me, and it has been pure hell. Although I've been managing to string together positive and productive days, the depression still comes out of nowhere and hits like a ton of bricks. Sometimes I still can't get a handle on why this is happening, why she won't at least try one more time. Why she won;t notice the changes I have already made? I get caught thinking about her and how beautiful she is, and loving and sweet and caring, and I can't reconcile that with what she has become. At least towards me. I spent the entre month of June beating myself up mentally for al I did wrong, and what I contributed to making her unhappy, and how if I wasn;t in a self imposed fog in my head, I could have caught the signs and made the changes earlier. I'm still in the home, much to her dismay, and that alone contributes greatly to my depression. The other night I was cooking dinner and looking at the stove top made me sad. The vanity in the bathroom makes me sad as do all the walls we painted together.
Despite having a good amount of good days, I'm trying to prepare myself for what is sure to be, the worst days of my entire life, and they are both just around the corner. Day #1, actually getting the divorce papers. Day #2, moving out of the house that together we turned into a beautiful, warm, inviting home.
She said she has already filed the papers, and I should be getting them within the next two weeks. it's not something I'm looking foward to. I know, and she knows, the best possible thing right now would be for me to move out, and her to move back into her home. I can stop surrounding myself with memories and reminders, and she can make wahtever changes to the house that I think she is dying to make, to erase the memories of me. I can begin a new life and create new memories and build myself up, and she can do the same. But then there is the whole legal aspect of this entire situation, and as much as I want to avoid it, as I'm sure she does, it looks like it may get ugly. We both know there is the law, but there is also right and wrong. Legally I may be entitled to the piano, but I would never become that eveil and take something that she loves. I am having difficulty with seperating the emotions from the business and legality of divorce, probably becasue I am far from over her. However, it certaily does not seem that she is having the same trouble. If I walk away with too much money, it will haunt me for the rest of my life, and all the advancements I have made in dealing with self doubt and depression issues, will be lost forever becasue i will never forgive myself. On the flip side of that, if i walk away with too little, I will be back in the hole I was in when we met, nearly 12 years ago. With nothing to stand on, and little hope for a productive future.
She rescued me from the aimless course of life I was following, she was and is an angel. I will always credit her for turning me around, and showing me all the goodness and light the world has to offer. She did so much to encourage me and help me grow and succeed ,It will take me many years of regret and guilt acceepting the fact I lost this oppurtunity to grow old with the love of my life and all the happiness she brought me only becasue I never faced issues from my past and I was operating under a completely false sense of other people.
It's only 10:30 here in NJ, and this day is not looking so good. The one positive aspect of that though is this, three weeks ago I felt like this everyday. At least now, its not nearly as constant. I'm not giving up on today, as so much can still happen, but right now....I'm back to being heartbroken.
I've promised myself I WILL NEVER TAKE A STEP BACKWARDS AGAIN....in any aspect of my life. And I have no plans on falling back into the misery I was in daily for over a month. But I do know the worst is yet to come, and I'm preparing myself for it.........but I am afraid.