I cried the entire move into my new house. Although it was exciting and positive and what I wanted, the awareness of what isn't stung. I tried to avoid it all morning, cheerfully directing the movers, talking to my new fiance' arranging things. Life is good.
But theres this wierd lurching feeling in my stomach every other minute and I find myself on the balcony smoking cigarettes. (Which I gave up years ago)
I wonder if everything will be like like this post-divorce.
Like a cheap prankster, stepping on my shadows, pulling me back toward fear and doubt. I call my dearest friend and try to say out loud what I am feeling but nothing comes out but a sob. The great thing about a good friend is that they will know exactly what that means.
"Sometimes, I think you are still afraid of being punished for your divorce." He said. "Let yourself be happy and believe in your future."
The relief at these words causes a fresh upheaval of crying and I just let it happen. There is no stopping the images that come. I intentionally torture myself with every memory hidden in my mind, every dream and goal, each worst fear and drowned hope, his pain, my pain, our childrens pain. Then I search for more, gaining strength and momentum I look them all in the eye. The movers knock on the bathroom door that I am laying in and ask if I'm alright. A voice responds that I dont recognize, someone smaller and possibly in a refugee camp.
They are done, the truck is loaded. I enter the living room with a forced smile that is transparent and awful. I see there eyes soften and they look away, human beings have such a beautiful way of understanding sometimes.
The drive to my new home will be imprinted in my mind forever.
The symbolism of driving away from the small town I had shared with my husband is immense. Even though it is only 15 mins south, it feels a lifetime away, which is the point I guess.
Heres the good thing about life; William James once said "Of all the beautiful truths pertaining to the soul, none is more gladdening or fruitful than to know you can regenerate and make yourself what you will."
The flowers here are in full bloom, and the street I moved onto begins with a canopy of oak trees that line the road, like welcoming soldiers to there queen. (Which is me) The grocery store nearby seems filled with plenty of organic foods and mothers lovingly cooing at there babies in the cart. There is a starbucks and a new crepe place within biking distance.
As my things are unloaded, I walk around picking up my books,mostly self help, scarves, framed photos of my children, artwork and I remember who I am. Through this divorce, I have really had to figure out what that means, and I believe this awareness is one of the biggest blessings of my divorce.