We actually had sex this week, the first time this year. Yeah, I know its July. I told him how lonely I felt and that I thought he wanted nothing to do with me. He held me for a while and then one thing led to another.... It was better than usual, I felt like he knew I was in the room. And I was happy for a day.
But then I hear his phone ring, and I start to wonder if its "her". I finally told him how tired I was living like this. I'm tired of wondering why he's taking so long in the bathroom. Or what he's doing downstairs before he comes to bed. I don't want to look at the cell phone bill because I'm afraid of what I'll see. I don't want to live like this anymore and he can fix this, but he chooses not to.
If it weren't for my kids I would not be here. I view his "friendship" with this girl as breaking our vows. He thinks I'm being dramatic and irrational. He'd never put up with this and I would never do it. I have no self-respect anymore, because to be married to him I have to put up with this nonsense! 900+min & 700+ texts a month is not a normal "friendship" or employer/employee relationship.
He says he loves me and maybe its my "daddy baggage" but I don't believe him at all. Its easy to say, but when push comes to shove, that girl would still have her job if I said I wanted a divorce. I thought about going by the bar last night, but I know he wouldn't be happy to see me and I was afraid of what I'd find there.
I'm just so tired of this life. It would be nice to have a soft place to fall, someone who cared about me and wanted to make me happy. If I just didn't love my kids so damn much.....