I will admit it, even though I am not proud of it...

I didn't love him for who he was, "as is", and I wanted him to change into the man I wanted him to be.

That's so sad to really look at and it sickens me to realize that I wanted him to change into someone I wanted him to be and not love him just as he really is.

I feel like a pretty low person for wanting him to change, especially when I keep hearing that a wife should love her husband as he is and not want him to change into something that "she" wants him to be (and men can be this way too). I felt like such a shallow person when my STBX would tell me that he wouldn't change ANYTHING about me, much less request that I change who I am, or how I handle or do things just because they annoy him. I feel like such a monster when his words reverberate through my mind...

"I accept you for you. I married you for who you are and I love you. I accept all of you, good and bad."

That I think is the worst guilt I feel right now - knowing deep in my heart that I wanted to change the deeply ingrained parts of him into something I wanted - though I know that what I wanted to see as far as changes in him was much deeper than him simply insisting that his shirts be folded in thirds instead of my preferred method of quarters.

Somehow though, the nagging words of him telling me how much of a "B*tch" and "Psycho" I was/am and "maybe you need to be in a mental hospital?" among other things makes me question just how "accepting" each of us REALLY are in relationships.

I just wanted to change him into the loving, supportive, charming, funny and optimistic man that I saw glimpses of from time to time. I just wanted to change him into the man that initially courted me and wanted to talk to me. I just wanted him to not yell, cuss, shove, hit, block or choke me. I just wanted him to not bully our kids and threaten to hurt them or expect them to act like they were 5 years older than they are. I just wanted peace and the ability to debate or discuss things without automatically being told I'm being irrational, make no sense, b*tching/yelling, taking things too personally, acting like my mother, running away, quitting, or other things that let him evade all discussion and leave me talking in circles until I truly sounded crazy.

It hurts, but I have to admit that I wanted to change him into what I wanted him to be...not what he was...or is.

The worst part of it all is that I do not believe or expect ANYONE to accept me for me, "as is", especially if there are aspects about me that are detrimental to keeping a relationship of any kind. I would hope that anyone involved with me, on any level, would bring it to my attention any aspect of my life that they feel should change.

I changed a lot when I became a mother, and I can change parts of myself when it comes to relationships, though about the only things that don't change that I give a "you like it or you walk away" are my beliefs/morals, and even with that one, I don't mind listening/debating the sides of an issue and I've even been known to change my mind/opinion/belief from time to time (horror of horrors! Lol).

Maybe I really am someone that expects the un-expected...

Maybe I really am unreasonable and illogical and crazy...

I just know for sure that I wanted him to change. From what I see now, that's not what a wife should do when she is married and that's not what a woman should do to a man...or vice versa...period.

Now onto changing myself and finally letting go of the dark horrors of my life so I can find my wings and fly on my own so I can be the best mother I can be to my children.