With the constant complaints from my STBX that I am always "bringing up the past", I have come to a very confusing place to figure out what that statement means and what the rules are with that. I don't like to bring up the past and keep punishing him for past mistakes, but with a few conversations within the last few months, I am so confused on what that means, especially with what is "logical" and "acceptable" in a relationship that is over 11 years long.
Just this past weekend, I tried to have a conversation with my STBX with an explanation of how I feel "I just can't let things go" very well and that I do have a very good memory for some of the hurtful things of our past. I told him a story that his mother told me, to relate it to him that I am not "crazy" for remembering some things that hurt so bad, and then mentioned that one instance I remembered vividly from 6 years ago, was also remembered by our next door neighbor.
For the story of my mother in-law, she cried to me ealier in the weekend about how there was 1 time specifically that she wanted to tell me to "shut the F up" and tell me how much of a horrible person I was. About 8 years ago Christmas, my STBX bought me some jewlery as a present and was very proud of the pieces he picked, showing them to the entire family before I opened it up. I opened it up and said, "Gee, not some more jewelry!"
I know...rude, cruel, and I felt awful about it later. This was totally out of character for me and it was the beginning of me changing into a very negative and cynical and bitter woman that I never want to be in my life again. This was a warning flag for me that my relationship with my husband was toxic and creating a negative woman.
I cried with my mother in-law and told her I remember that and I was ashamed of that - I took ownership and said that I was behaving as a monster and instead of being more polite about it (I am not too much into jewelry...all I have EVER wanted from him for a gift was a hand written note to express his love for me, but with the way he grew up, you showed love through gifts...and I worked at a job that I couldn't wear jewlery anyway and we didn't go out and they were HIS birthstones even though I preferred MY birthstones). I told her that I was so sorry and I never want to get back to being that way ever again, which was one of the reasons for me choosing to get divorced.
The funny thing is that when my mother in-law was relating the story to me, she thought it was MY birthstone that he got me, and instead of arguing that it wasn't, I just let it drop because it wasn't the point, except to remember that I used to be so submissive that I hardly ever spoke about what I wanted anyway, so she probably just remembered that HE was so proud of it and he thought I would LOVE it, so it must have been the stones I loved.
I digress...
When I related the story to my husband, I used the fact that he bought me MY birthstones (hey, maybe I was wrong after 8 Christmas'), and he then corrected me and said that no, it was HIS birthstones that he bought. So, I corrected myself to match and said that it was nice in one sense to know that his mother remembered that instance so clearly, because it validated that I wasn't crazy for remembering things years after they happened, but it still stung to be reminded of that instance.
I told him that I remembered it as well and that I was ashamed of what I said and how I acted. I told him about how I justified it to myself at the time and the innocent thought process that got twisted into cruelty of that I couldn't wear jewerly for work and then he proceeded to counter-point that I could have worn it outside of work. Then I countered back that we didn't go anywhere and I wasn't one that ever wore much jewerly anyway, especially with the very long hours with work, it didn't leave much time to wear it anyway.
"Well, I don't really remember the instance anyway, so it doesn't matter. Such is life and it's in the past, so don't worry about it."
That was his response. Great, I don't believe he doesn't remember it. He may not want to make me feel bad or start an argument, but he'd rather bring out information that is completely contrary to him not remembering the instance, which is sad to me.
It's the "let's not talk about it or get an issue resolved, let alone get a sincere apology or explanation, and never to bring it up again." thought process he has.
Then I told him how our next door neighbor and I saw each other in a store recently and she asked me about things at home, to which I told her things were rocky and she told me how she really thought I should have left about 6 years ago when I went to her house after a scary incident.
"I still remember that day as if it was yesterday..."
I tried to explain that someone that isn't even in our home remembers a very scary day 6 years ago with such clarity (and these neighbors moved out 4 years ago and then moved BACK in 1 year ago) that I truly felt I had some valid reasons for remembering things from the past and that the same things kept happening even since then.
I was trying to explain, yet again (gosh, my therapist just about wanted to slap my hand for it...it is my biggest downfall is that I want to explain EVERYTHING), for him to have some empathy and give me a little bit of leeway in trying to get over the abuse and see why I can't just believe that the anger and abuse have stopped completely in the last 2 months and that I should not be afraid of him because he isn't a monster.
6 years ago when my son was about 5 months old, my STBX and I got into an argument and while I was holding our son, he hit me on the face/head and our son in the process. I ran from the house sobbing and screaming to my neighbor's house and they let me stay there until my STBX left to calm down. My STBX actually came next door with some clothes for our son (he was just in a diaper - weather was warm enough that it wasn't a big deal). I don't remember if he even said he was sorry, but he did say that he was going to leave and cool down, so I could go back home when I was ready to go back. My neighbors were scared for me and offered to call the police then, but I told them not to.
So, when I related this back to my husband, who initially said, "what day?", he then became defensive and said, "I didn't hit our son, you just took him and ran next door". Then it was "I didn't hit you, that's just what you TOLD the neighbors". Then it was "I didn't mean to hit our son. you used our son as a sheild". Then the ultimate...
"I don't even really remember that. Besides, why are you bringing up the past and condeming me for it? I can't change what happened 6 years ago and you need to quit attacking me for it. I wish you would just let it go."
So...when the incident happened 6 years ago, it wasn't really discussed, except for me to beg him to get anger management classes or us to go to counseling together and his promise to never do that again...
And yet, it was only 3 or 4 months ago when he last shoved me/then I hit his arm in retaliation/then he hit my face hard enough for bruises to form in my ears...
So, what are the rules for bring up the past?
How do I let go of something that traumatic from 6 years ago (and there are plenty other ones from even earlier - one 9 years ago where a mutual friend of ours rushed over to our place after she heard the fight on the phone and was worried that I would end up dead)?
Am I crazy to finally want to purge all of this hurt out and REALLY tell him how much pain he put me through for all of these years so he understands WHY I want a divorce?
I've tried to tell him for a long time after each time he hurt me our our kids, but he didn't take it seriously or just brushed me off by not wanting to talk about it. 11 and a half years of pain is finally really wanting to spill out of me so he truly GETS IT that I am NOT all to blame for this marriage ending...
It hurts so much that I can't finally let these things go by talking about it without him feeling so attacked and telling me to just get over it and let it go because the past can't be changed.
It just plain fucking hurts that I can't talk about all the times that led me to this decision and that he doesn't WANT to know because it is all in the past and all he can do is promise that he will never do it again and all we can do is move forward. If he wanted to work on the marriage, yes, the past is going to have to be looked at, and I am willing to look at my issues and wrong doings from the past as well...
Gee, I did bring up my own nasty behavior from 8 years ago...
This hurts so bad some days that I can't bring up the past...ever again...
That hurts...