we had one last final conversation about my reasons for wanting to separate and divorce last night, and we have decided to go through with it. at first i felt so guilty and so overwhelmed with grief telling him about how i felt... i was sobbing trying to go through the bedroom to pack up some more things really quick, being confronted with wedding pictures on our walls and a "happy anniversary" card from our three year anniversary two months ago... but as i drove back to my grandmother's house with another trunk full of my stuff i started to feel something different... i felt clear. calm. purged.
i am so glad that i was finally honest with my husband about how i really feel about him and this relationship. he isn't going to understand a lot of what i tried to say, and he may never admit to his part in the downfall of this marriage, but i feel so relieved to have finally released this heavy burden. we were never right for each other. we didn't marry for the right reasons and didn't understand the committment we were making. at least i didn't. i still don't know myself or what i want in life... and we have come to the point in our relationship where there is nothing that can be done to save it. there has been too much chaos and destruction. it's really sad... i don't know when i will ever get over it... and this whole process is probably going to be very hard and painful for both of us. but i hope in the end we will both be happier. he isn't perfect. and we had a lot of problems together... but i am not going to resent him. this isn't anyone's fault... it just didn't work.
