Well, I couldn't take it no more and last night we talked. For the last few days I have asked if there was anything he needed to talk about and he said no but there was. After a few days of eating at him  I got it out of him and again, I come out bad. Last weekend, we were to have his girls and between their activities and all stuff we had going on.... I asked if it would be easier to switch weekends. First of all he was upset with them over the fact that they have been calling me and not him. But he said with all their social activities," there was no use for them to come down." And they didnt. Some how it got in his head I still dont want them around. And I don't think he believes me . I didn't demand or say they were not welcome. But thats what he got from "SWITCHING" I didn't want them to cancel and do what we had going on but if they WANTED to cancel and come down.....Maybe we could have worked that one out better. I wish he would have spoken up or offered a suggestion on moving things around. But he didn't. Just stayed quiet and let his mind run.

  I have re built my relationship with them and we are almost as close as we were in the beginning.  I enjoy getting to know again them and they must like my company as we text several times through out the week. Some joking and some serious.   Sunday I made a joke about the baby. He was a dancing fool. CUTE AS ALL HELL. Our only boy out of 6 kids.  I commented  with his lack of rythym, at least we knew he was "straight". Stupid joke, I know but he took it as a swipe at one of his girls who is finding who she is now. Those kind of jokes were never a problem before. You should see him and my brothers joke around. Again, thats not what I ment.  He had mentioned that he felt I am forcing myself into my relationship with his girls to please him & thats not right. I shouldn't have to do that. I am not doing that. Over the years, I hung back, trying not to get close again after all that had happened. Now I figured I have a chance and instead of dragging my feet, I jumped in. His girls, my kids, and me seem to be having a good time but he thinks I am forcing it for him.  And he seems not to be comfortable with the changes. But I like them. These are things I have needed to do for 2 years and didn't. 

  He also thinks I am hiding things from him. As I said, I didn't like snooping. He has all my passwords and info, I welcome him to do the same and I answer any questions he has about anything he finds. I am being honest and up front. I go to him when something is bothering me and he let this add strain . In the past, we shared everything. ALWAYS had passwords and info. I never used them. I never felt I needed to. Now I got questions and this was sapose to be a "rebuild trust" thing that came from counselor. The simple fact that he was willing showed me alot. He isn't stupid, he can hide things if he wanted and I am working with what I got.  I do have trust for him and thats what scares me at times. I have always trusted him and never thought he would be the one to hurt me.

   I guess his mind is swimming like mine is and he has questions.  He said he loves me and believes he is IN love with me. I told him I loved him before he left for work this am and nothing......

 I don't know what I can say or do for him to believe me. I cant rub his face in the fact HE did all this, not just me.  I am not the one who left for 6 weeks and lived a new life. BUT  I am the one who sat here for 6 weeks and cried, and thought, and re played the last few years in my mind over & over again.  As I said, I DO love him and I would love our marriage to be back on track. He said we jumped in to fast with his comming home.  I can't help but to worry he is having second thoughts. Maybe missing the non married lifestyle he lived. Or maybe he  only came back just to say he tried, knowing he didn't want to.  I will still give 100% and I hope he is willing to offer that as well. I knew parts were going to be hard but I want to find a way to work it and not just give up because it is difficult.  I am here for the long haul and I got my work clothes on. And I am dead serious. I am taking alot of chances. It feels good and I am happy I am no longer sitting on the side lines watching the world go on.  All my chances are emotional, and for me thats strange. But I am doing it.  My gaurd is down and I hope he sees this.